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Friday, May 25, 2018

Calmness Has Returned

I was having a bit of a strop last week - eating loads of shit food, drinking too much wine and being a bit miserable and grumpy.  It happens.  I'm not one of those people that can pretend to be 100% happy all the time, as much as I do appreciate life.  Most of the time, I'm at least content - but I'm pretty demanding upon myself and life - I have high expectations.

Though at the core of it was some unhappiness at work.  It was a crap week, a tough week - I was feeling a bit displaced but mostly feeling underpaid and overworked.

That hasn't changed.  My days are 13+ hours long from getting up to getting home.  I am still paid exactly the same as I started, when taking into account inflation, enforced pension payments and a small pay rise.  I should be earning much more as a developer even with just one year's experience.  Yes I know that I could withdraw from my pension, but as I received a statement from one of my previous company pensions suggesting that at my current rate I will get a pension of £30.51 a year, I probably shouldn't.

However this week I've felt a sense of calmness return - though at the same time a sense of rabbit in headlights syndrome.

I've moved from coding in languages/frameworks that I'm comfortable in, to coding in a framework, AngularJS, that I know fuck all about.  Yes I've done courses on it, but I don't remember any of it.  This is my first time using it, and I stare at it pretty much like a virgin states at a vagina.

It's great on one hand, as I was starting to scratch around for work, and needed a big project.

But it panicked me when I realised that I didn't have a clue what I was doing.

Yesterday and especially this afternoon, things started to come together - I could see how things were organised, and what I had to do to get things to work.  Baby steps, but it is exciting to be grasping new technology...albeit AngularJS is seen as an old framework now, and nobody would use it for a new project.  It's new to me - and proves that I can adapt to new frameworks.

I also have a new colleague who is super quick (I must stop comparing myself to him), and knows AngularJS really well...I am already learning a lot from him.

Which overall means that I am much calmer.  My "fuck this job" attitude...well it wasn't quite that, but I was on the verge of at least having a strop...hell I even responded to a recruiter's e-mail...though I said the role sounds great but no thanks.  The role did sound great too.  Like...perfect.

So I might be underpaid, and the days far too long, the commute tough on my well-being and working in a basement being horrid - with the added threat of the odd evening of customer service.

But I feel calmer, it feels right again.  There is purpose.

Most days I ask myself, have I progressed in my career goals?  And recently the answer was tending to be no.  This week it is emphatically yes.  I know I am there to do a job for Lovespace, and I think I have done a very good job so far - for a junior.  But I must be selfish too, I must develop as a developer.  And I am now developing again.

Like most people, I am now looking forward to 3 days off work (assuming nothing goes wrong on the website...bank holidays have a habit of causing problems).

Nothing special is planned, other than life.

Saturday I'm going to watch the Champions League final.  In theory it should be a great game - you can get better odds on 0-0 than 3-2.  Maybe I might go to the Spanish festival of queuing beforehand that I went to last year, if I can find anyone willing to accompany me.

Sunday I'm just going for a roast.  Going to meet a fellow blogger, which should be interesting.

And Monday maybe go out for something to eat.

I'm keeping loose plans as there is good thunderstorm potential, and if one is on the way, I'd like to be able to head somewhere with a good view.  Maybe Alexandra Palace, but they have a festival on.

And then the usual cleaning yadda yadda.  Oh if only I had had my pay rise that I desired and could afford a cleaner.  Hoping to start making a website for my weather forecasting page - Facebook proofing, if you will.

I'm getting boring now, aren't I?


Be done with you.

If you've bothered to read my latest ramblings I wish you a great weekend.  You know where I am if you are bored and you are not a twatt.  Rectum.