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Sunday, April 30, 2017

Complaint: Goodbye Ocado

So last year I moved away from using Sainsbury's for a bit, as you may have seen on my earlier complaints.  And used Ocado - until they let me down.

******

Good afternoon

The number one priority for me on a food order, is that the chicken breasts last all week for my chicken salad. Or at least until Wednesday/Thursday of the week - my delivery date being Saturday.

It is why I dumped my true love, Sainsbury's, and started flirting with yourselves. In fact, I dipped my metaphorical willy everywhere, I even tried Asda.

So imagine my sadness when I received chicken breasts this week, with a best before date of 30th May.

And the last time I had a delivery from yourselves, the chicken just had 3 days to eat it.

I am going to have to go crawl back to Sainsbury's.

We've had some good times together, but you are not the one for me. Please can you also cancel my delivery pass. Though do keep your door open - we might have a little dalliance at some point as you do supply a wider range of fish.

All the best
James

******

Hello James,

Thank you for your email.

Oh no! Don't break my heart saying that I'm not the one. :(

I promise you that instead of crawling back to Sainsbuty's I can make your life easier and more enjoyable.

Bearing in mind that all the fresh produce I deliver never sit on my shelves as I receive them on a daily basis, from my supplier into my warehouse and straight into your fridge, I always have a product "life" on the webshop as my colleague previously mentioned which should make shopping and planning your meals easier.

Now, if you choose to give me another chance I will teach you a trick which will make our relationship a long lasting and enjoyable one. :)

Having a Smart Pass membership you should take advantage of the benefits and have 2 small orders every week to make the most of our fresh produce.

With that in mind I can offer you a 3month free trial Smart Pass and a £6.99 fee after that, but if you still think that our relationship is not worth it you can cancel the membership just before those 3 months will end.

Looking forward for hearing from you if you would like to give me another chance.

Your one and only dalliance buddy. :)

Kind regards,

Ocado Customer Service Team

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Compliment - First Great Western & My Lost Suitcase

I don't just moan.  I don't only complain.  I like to offer my thanks when I have received good service too.  And when I left my suitcase on the train the other week, I received excellent customer service from First Great Western.

Honestly!

******

This is not a complaint.  I repeat - this is not a complaint.

Having spent 17 years of my life living in Reading, First Great Western or whatever you are called now, do not tend to have the greatest (like my pun?!) reputation.

Perhaps somewhat unfairly, as I thought it was often the bottleneck at Reading station that caused a lot of problems - and given that it took 10+ years for the Labour government at the time to agree to expand and replace it, I know exactly who to blame for that.  Though I am also going to blame Brexit.

Anyway, two weeks ago, I was due to DJ in Reading.  I live in London now, and popped onto the train with my hand baggage and small suitcase, which I stowed overhead.

I sat there with my friend, having a nice beer as the houses, offices, flats, apartments, offices, Slough and occasional annoying pockets of countryside went by.  DOWN WITH THE GREEN BELT.

I got off the train at the other end, headed to the pub, whilst discussing which pub to go to, when I realised that I had left my suitcase on the train.

Bollocks!  I wasn't even drunk.  Just two pints of beer.  It wasn't like I was off my head on ketamine or anything.  Just two simple pints of beer.  And a couple of strawberries (I'm getting old and boring).

The train had long gone, on its way to Westbury (could have been worse!).  I went to the customer service desk (the ticket buying part), after a while they advised me to go to the helpdesk  at Reading station and wait.

I waited around 15-20 minutes for my Reading Station Customer Ambassador to become available - Varun was his name.

I explained my situation - my music and headphones were in my suitcase and I was due to start DJing at 10pm.  Not only that but that I am the only minimal techno DJ to ever play in Reading and that my 4 fans would be distraught if they were to go without their monthly selection of very long and exceptionally repetitive Romanian minimal techno tracks.

Varun explained that there was next to no chance that I would get my suitcase, the process was that it would remain in Westbury, and if I could not collect it within 48 hours (I think he said 48) that it would go to Bristol lost property centre.

Neither of these would be very helpful in terms of DJing, and being unemployed with a monthly income after rent of £80 (do you know anyone that needs a website building?), collecting my bag was prohibitively expensive.

He said he would see what he could do.

4 pints later, and a lot of worrying about how I was going to afford to collect my suitcase, and hell, whether I had actually lost it forever - I've already lost two pairs of expensive headphones during my DJ career (or more accurately they were stolen by chavvy scumbags), I had a call from Varun.  My suitcase was on the way back to Reading station.

So I would like to thank GWR/FGW/FDR/whoever for employing Varun and allowing him the opportunity to provide such good customer service.  Please do ensure that he receives my thank you, and if you can give him a pay-rise or a bonus, or some kind of service award for his endeavour that would be much appreciated.

I guess this exceptional service makes up for the time 6 years ago when I "accidentally" forgot to buy a ticket and got caught by your Nazi's at Reading train station, and fined £20.  I shall now no longer refer to your revenue inspectors as Nazi's.

By the way, I didn't play any minimal techno in the end, I played more of an understated underground house sound.  Something a bit like my mix here - https://www.mixcloud.com/jameswinfield/coal/

In summary, I know I blab on a lot:

1. Varun needs a promotion/pay rise/bonus/slap on the back.
2. I make websites and if you know anyone that needs a website please let me know.
3. I am also a minimal techno DJ - feel free to check out my mixes.
4. Your revenue folks are not really Nazi's.
5. Varun is ace.

Toodlepip
James

******


Dear J Winfield

It’s good to know we’re getting things right

Thank you for your form, and for your lovely comments about Varun in our team at Reading.

We work really hard to make sure we give our customers great service, and we set very high standards for our teams. So your comments have made our day.

We’ll let them know what you said
We will of course let Varun know what you said – he will be really happy to hear it, and that you appreciate the effort he makes.

Thanks again for getting in touch
We’re always pleased to hear when our teams are doing us proud. We hope you’ll be just as happy with our service the next time you travel with us. Also, thank you for the interesting form.

Yours Sincerely

Customer Support Advisor

First Greater Western Limited

Thursday, April 13, 2017

My New Job: The Important Stuff

I know what you've been thinking all week - what temperature is James' new office?

Well, you will be pleased to know that it is very comfortable, albeit bordering on slightly chilly around 11:30am.

It's a very nice modern office in Moorgate, our floor has a multitude of small companies, mostly, if not all, start-ups, including ourselves.  I work for Lovespace.  You can look into them yourselves if you are interested.  It is a pretty damn useful service, if you ask me, and exciting to work for a company with so much growth potential.

But enough about the serious stuff.  Lets talk cake.  Wednesday is cake day - this week's highlight was a very nice cherry Victoria sponge cake.  A veritable Henry VIII style platter to feast on.

For Mondays we get a continental breakfast - none of this Brexit bacon bullshit.  And Fridays we get beer.  Albeit I don't think we are allowed to drink it until after our company round-up Skype call at 5pm.  But free beer is free beer, even with a time limit.

Working hours are 9-6pm.  Longer than I'm used to, especially compared to my recent spell of unemployment, though weirdly I've found myself surprisingly energetic and focused in the evenings.

Tubes aren't too bad.  I've only stood up the whole way (45 minutes) once.  I haven't decided on my strategy yet.  The semi-fast tube that goes straight to Moorgate I will never get a seat on.  The non semi-fast ones I will get a seat on, but they also mean changing at Baker Street.  Where it is not easy to even get on a tube at 08:30am.  Yes, I was late on my first day.

I might actually consider moving nearby.  I'll see how the commute goes, but if I can live say 40 minutes walk away, that would be ideal.  I'm in no rush to move house, the ballache that it can be.

Everyone I have met has been so welcoming - I don't recall working for a company where I have been made to feel so welcome.  Some really interesting characters, and a focus on comradeship/community - half the company went to Paris last weekend, albeit many of them competing in a marathon.  They haven't dared ask me to join their next marathon.

It is casual dress, as seems to be increasingly common in London.  I haven't yet got out my purple trousers or anything - though I wouldn't especially stand out, given that there is a Ricardo Villalobos lookalike that prances around in leopard print trousers, from one of the other companies.  I am so envious of his trousers.  I haven't yet worked out whether to befriend him or to make him my office enemy.

I have just sent the whole company my top 5 Ricardo Villalobos tracks.  Yep.  Apparently they were interested.  I was careful in what I chose!  Though worryingly they do seem to have a penchant for karaoke.

Yes there are more attractive women in the office than there were in the Bracknell office.  Or the whole of Bracknell.  It is London, after all.  Though for my first day I was treat to the glorious image of a the top half of a guy's arse hanging out of his trousers in the glass-fronted meeting area in front of my desk.  Thanks for that.

Importantly, there is a ping pong table.  And a two-hole putting range.


Outside the office, there is a cricket pitch.  Although the lady on reception insisted that it was a rugby pitch, it is clearly a cricket pitch.  Maybe it was rugby during the winter.  I have not yet worked out how to get there though - it might be private land as I have not seen anyone on it.

A short walk away there is a street food market, selling foods from all kinds of countries that nobody that voted Brexit has ever heard of.  Well, nobody in Bridlington has ever heard of anyway.

Of course, myself being a passionate, cosmopolitan remainer, I went for the burger van.  And a damn fine chicken burger it was - cajun chicken breast, thick bacon, proper bread roll - about the size of my head.  And the wedges were amazing.  Were I not overweight and skint, I would be there every day.

When I worked in Bracknell I had a sandwich van, a Morrison's, a gastro pub with awful food, and an awful Harvester pub with appropriate food.

This is quite the contrast.  And not just in terms of food.

So far, so very, very good.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Complaint: Tesco & Some Crap Chicken

Actually a recent complaint this one!

******

Dear Tesco

Gosh do I have a 1,000 character limit? Wish me luck on that.

One night recently, I was drunk. Do you have one of those annoying friends that starts every story with "I was really drunk"? I'm going to have to get to the point pretty quickly here, aren't I?

So, I was drunk. And the last two times I had been to Chicken Cottage on the way home, I ended up with 4 pieces of dry, over-cooked, miserable southern fried chicken.

Being drunk, I came up with an idea - lets go to Tesco. And I bought a pack of Shazans Peri Peri Chicken Thighs.

Yes I managed to stay awake for the 45 minutes to cook them but I wish I hadn't. It was even harder to find any chicken on the chicken thighs than it is at Nando's (I tend to pour their peri-peri sauce into my drink to get my money's worth).

This was the most horrid, stringy, underfed chicken I have had in a long time. An absolutely awful product. Erm, very bad.

(You can imagine what a nightmare Twitter is for me).

Kind regards
Jame

******

Hi James

Thank you very much for taking the time to e-mail us.

To be fair, that was a pretty dramatic story, I'm sorry to hear our chicken proved to be the antagonist.

I don't suppose you still have the packaging, do you? If so, we can take some information from the packaging and refer them to our suppliers. This may help them determine how to improve the product in future.

Furthemore, if you don't have the packaging then don't worry. I'd rather you concentrate on ploughing through your hangover instead of routing through your bins on our behalf.

Either way, if you'd be kind enough to reply with the details of your full postal address I'd be more than happy to send you out a £5.00 Tesco Moneycard for the inconvenience.

Thanks again, and I look forward to your reply.

Kind regards

James
Tesco Customer Service
Tesco Customer Engagement Centre

******

Ahh a fellow James!


Do you ever wonder why more footballers do not have a first name of James?  Do you think there is something about the name James that makes one inherently useless at football?

I can confirm that I am useless at football.

My address is in my signature, and my photographs of the label are attached.

Kind regards
James

******

Hi James

Thanks for your reply.

That's a massive coincidence, as I have no clue, or interest (which ultimately makes me also useless at) football.

I don't think it's a superstition you should take too seriously though. I've queried this with some of the colleagues in my office who are familiar with 'playing at ball', and they've asked me to remind you of some of the modern greats, including James Milner, James Rodriguez (AKA Hamas), and don't forget the famous Jimmy Bullard.

Also, I've now sent you out a £5.00 Tesco Moneycard for the inconvenience

Kind regards

James
Tesco Customer Service
Tesco Customer Engagement Centre

******

Hi James

Thank you for the wake-up call this morning, it was very sweet.

However having now read your e-mail, I am shocked to read that you are comparing such a nugget of disgrace that is Jimmy Bullard, with legends like James Milner.  Calling Jimmy Bullard a footballer is like calling Jimmy Savile a DJ.  He was however very good at picking up a very large weekly wage whilst injured at Hull City AFC and spending it all on cocaine and beer.  Whilst I have no problem with people spending their wages on cocaine and beer - it is not exactly as if every penny I earn is spent on avocado and charity donations, Jimmy Bullard was supposed to be representing the great football club that is Hull City AFC and supposed to be recuperating from a serious knee injury - yet he decided it was best to spend Hull City AFC's time any money sharing toilet cubicles with other men [allegedly says my lawyer].


I know that you were only trying your best, and have clearly been misled by your colleagues - your knowledge of football seems to be similar to my knowledge of pop music.

But please do understand, Jimmy Bullard is not one of us.  He is a Jimmy, like Savile, not a James.  Well, not quite like Savile, but a man...neigh...boy of disrepute.

Have a good weekend (or a good Monday)

Shabba.

******

Hi James

Thanks for your reply, sorry to wake you when I rang.

My colleague seemed horrified that you had so many negative things to say about Jimmy Bullard. I'm starting to feel like a middle man.

You're right that I have absolutely no knowledge of football, which is something I'm quite proud of!

I'm not a fan of sports in general, my passion at the moment is wrestling. Wrestling is the physical endeavour of a real man. The more spandex, the better.

Thanks again for taking the time to contact us. I also enjoyed your YouTube video about eating pancakes with gravy. I took the time to give you your second 'like', and left a comment. Now I should probably do some work.

Kind regards

James
Tesco Customer Service
Tesco Customer Engagement Centre

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Complaints: Sainsbury's & Short-Dated Chicken Part 2

This is a follow-up from an earlier e-mail to Sainsbury's, when I was getting so fed up of them delivering short-dated chicken (amongst other things).  My original e-mail is here - it will help to put our love affair into context if you haven't already read it.

******

Dear Sainsburys

Thank you for taking the time to write to me.  I am heartened that you have not forgotten me.

I thought about your loving words for a week or so, almost like a love-struck teenager, unable to know what to say or do.  In the end, I thought that we really should go for another date, to try to re-kindle our love.

Actually, that's a slight lie.  Ocado gave me short-dated chicken so I came running back.  Though your words did much to sway me too.  And the voucher - albeit it did seem a bit like prostitution.  Not that there is anything wrong with prostitution.  It isn't my kind of thing, but as long as the seller and buyer are willing participants in the market, then I'm fine with it.

That'll be my economics degree sneaking through.

So Friday night I was so excited about our date the next day, and ended up drinking all night and getting home at 9am (much earlier than the weekend before).  I awaited my delivery - it was 21st May, to clarify.  I thought you'd be interested in the product dates:

Rocket - 21st May.
Satsumas - 23rd May.
Peppers - 25th May, which is fine, but they have soggy tops.  Still  80% edible though.
Asparagus - 22nd May.
Duck - 22nd May (cooked on 23rd and was gorgeous still so definitely no refund required).
Haddock - 23rd May (cooked last night - was just about ok so no refund requested).
Spring onions - 23rd May.

I don't expect everything to last all week but it is a weekly shop - some of it has to!

The most annoying thing was ordering a 120g bag of rocket.  It wasn't available - fair enough - so it was replaced with 1 x 60g bag of rocket.  Why not 2 bags, therefore equalling 120g as I wanted?!  Bizarre.  This meant I had no option but to walk to Morrisons after work - you know my feelings about her - I do feel that I am too beautiful to go down to that level.

I don't know where our love can go from here.

Perhaps someone is purposely trying to sabotage our love?

I'm going back to Ocado until they upset me.

Yours semi-lovingly
James

******

Dear James

I get butterflies in my stomach when your name lands in my inbox. It’s the sunshine in my days. However, when I read this email, I felt like my world had come crashing down. These are not the dates that I like to hear about. As well as the lack of rocket delivered? I feel as if the God’s of love are taunting us. Just as I thought we were getting back on track, we’re back to square one.

An economics degree and everything, you never fail to impress me. You deserve better than Ocado, and undoubtedly better than Morrison’s. I never thought that you’d stoop to that level, we really let you down.

Look James, let’s cut to the chase. I can’t deal with all this back and forth, Sainsbury’s, Ocado, you love me, and you don’t. It’s pulling on my heart strings. We need to sort this once and for all. We are destined to be together and you know it. A relationship like ours will stand the test of time. Though I understand, you need to be able to rely on us. Trust is the most important. Every relationship has its ups and downs but I know the only way is up for us now. I’ve contacted the store manager about the dates of your items so they can speak with the pickers. They’ll ensure the pickers are choosing the longest dates available for you, as trained. If this means hoking through the shelves, right to the back, for that extra day shelf life then that’s just what they’ll do. You deserve it.

I’ve sent you a voucher for £5.90 to cover the cost of the items you’ve mentioned. The voucher code is xxxx-xxxx-xxxx. Surely you can give us another chance.

We eagerly await our next encounter, hoping of course it’s only positive. Until next time, James.

Kind regards,

Sainsburys

******

Unfortunately I didn't keep my further response to them, so the next bit won't make quite as much sense.

******

Dear James

Thanks for your email. Again, my heart skipped a beat when I seen your name pop up on my screen. It’s still normal to get butterflies after this long right? That’s how you know you’re serious about someone. And well, I’m definitely serious about you. I’m so glad we’re on the same page and I agree this is true love.

Don’t worry, I fall out with my friends sometimes too. I didn’t know about the EU placing a ban on fish being sold in UK supermarkets. You never fail to surprise me with what you know.

A DJ as well. Is there anything you’re hopeless at? You impress me more and more. It seems to me that we become more compatible as time goes on. I do like a good bit of Techno and House music now and again. Although I’m more into Trance, I think I’ve managed to solve your query on the Techno producer from Andorra so you can complete your 28 track list. There’s a guy called Richy Vuelcom from Andorra and he produces techno music. Have a listen to some tracks and see what you think. Failing that, maybe my good friend google can help you out.

I’m so pleased you took advantage of the delivery pass. This means an awful lot to me as it shows you’re committed and it makes me very happy.

Now we’re finally in a serious relationship and we’ve fully committed ourselves to each other. I hope you continue to enjoy using the service and take as much advantage as possible of that delivery pass you have.

I’m looking forward to our next date already. We hope to see you online soon.

Kind regards,
Sainsbury's

Sunday, April 09, 2017

Complaint: Harrow Council Housing Benefit

I was not amused during my recent spell of unemployment, to be awarded just £87.40 a week in housing benefit.  My rent is £600.00 a month - not exactly an overwhelmingly expensive amount in London.

But apparently the government decrees that I should be able to find a room in a house for £378.73 a month.  In London.  Yep.  I haven't paid that kind of rental amount since 2003.

However, as I am over 35, if I were living in a one-bedroom flat, then I would get up to £800.00 a month.  Logical, isn't it?

So because I am doing the cost-saving procedure of renting a room in a shared house (albeit with nobody else living here), I get penalised.

I got my strop on and wrote a complaint.

******

Dear Sir/Madam

I would like to raise a complaint about the exceptionally low level of housing benefit support provided for unemployed persons such as myself.

I am a 37-year old male, living in a shared house with rent at £600pm.

I have been advised that I will receive just £87.40 per week.  This comes to £378.73 per month – leaving me with a shortfall of £221.27 each month.

This I can cover with my jobseeker’s allowance which comes to £316.77 per month.

My total income per month is therefore £695.50.  My rent is £600.00 and my mobile phone bill is £12.00 a month.

This leaves me with a grand total of £83.50 per month for food and toiletries, etc.

Previously when I was unemployed for 6 months in 2011/2012, I received £600.00 per month for a flat that I was living in.  I am advised that because I have taken the cost-saving option of house-sharing, that I am now penalised.  I was advised that if I had my own more-expensive flat, then my rent would have been covered.

This makes no sense.  Why would you fund a higher one-bedroom flat rental cost, but not the lower cost of renting a room in a shared house?

It does seem that I am being unfairly penalised – I doubt that any other groups of benefit claimants receive such small amounts as £83.50 per month to live on.

Now, I will survive until I get a job – and I will get a job.  I am no layabout – I spend 8-10 hours almost every single day looking for work and upskilling myself.

There is also an upside to my current relative destitution, and that is that I have lost 5kg in weight in the last two months due to my budgetary situation and having to restrict my food intake at times.

There are constantly stories of the huge benefits that some get, from large councils houses (remember Bob Crowe getting a council house despite earning £100k a year?), to above-inflation increases in pensions, vast arrays of people receiving benefits that they don’t need such as middle-income people receiving child tax credits and rich pensioners with their free TV licenses, winter fuel allowances, etc.

It seems the whole system is against someone like myself; no children, middle-aged, stable, balanced, male, temporarily out of work.  I have worked for all but 9 months of the last 17 years since university, contributing large volumes of tax towards the aforementioned unfair benefits, yet I cannot receive enough to cover my rent.

I will be working easily for the next 30 years, and as I am changing career into development/programming, I expect that as my earning potential hopefully increases significantly, I will be paying ever-larger sums of tax.

I know that I won’t get anything in return to this letter other than platitudes and your blaming of “government austerity”.  It does seem immaterially unfair that I am having to suffer due to the reckless overspending of the Labour government and the horrendous deficit that they left.

If you know anyone who requires a junior web developer, or a website making, please let me know.

******

I received a letter back, advising that the wrong calculation had been made, and that I was due the full sum for the first 13 weeks of unemployment as long as I could prove that I could afford the rent when I moved into the property.

I wasn't going to bother writing this complaint as I thought it utterly pointless complaining to the local council, yet it turned out to be my most profitable complaint so far at something like £612.00 into my bank account.

Sadly I couldn't go out and splash the cash willy-nilly, it had to be used for food, rent, etc - and if I don't pass my one month trial in my new job, then I will be relying upon it once more.  Although it will probably disappear on rent/travel costs before I get paid - yikes.

Moral of the story?  Local councils are useless.  Always, always complain.

Saturday, April 08, 2017

Complaint: HMRC & My Proposals To Repay Unpaid Tax

Whilst I was unemployed, I received a demand from HMRC for £87.02 of unpaid tax.  As you can imagine, I was not especially amused, given that I had roughly £80 a month after rent.

My first reaction was to ignore it.  Then they sent me a follow-up letter advising that I needed to pay the full sum of £87.02 by 7th March 2017.

I did try to call them on several occasions to arrange a repayment plan, and when I eventually made it through their automated menu system (my impatience doesn't help - "JUST PUT ME THROUGH TO SOMEBODY" - "ok, you requested information on self-employed returns") I was promised a call back from the team that dealt with tight Yorkshire sods like me.

No call arrived.

The deadline approached so I wrote them a letter.  In my style.

******

I would like to raise a complaint about the letter I have received demanding £87.02 of income tax that for some reason you have not collected correctly.

Firstly I would like a full explanation of how the error has occurred and a detailed breaking of your working.

Secondly, I cannot afford to pay this at the moment.  Certainly not by your strange deadline of 7th March 2017.

Currently I am unemployed and have been since 7th December 2016.

I receive benefits, both housing and jobseekers, totalling £695.50.

My rent is £600.00 and my mobile phone bill is £12.00 a month.

This leaves me with a grand total of £83.50 per month for food and toiletries, etc.

If I owe this money following receipt of your full explanation and breakdown, I will pay it.  I am vaguely proud of paying tax (even if much of it is wasted) and I hold high moral standards for myself which includes paying all debts incurred.

However, please understand that I am currently in the middle of exceptionally trying financial circumstances.  £83.50 a month is a very, very small amount to live on.  There have been days when I have eaten nothing but reduced-price bread as I simply have not had any food in the fridge.

I am trying my hardest to get a job – I spend 8-10 hours almost every single day either writing applications or upskilling.  I don’t own a television and have never watched Jeremy Kyle.  But at the moment, luck is not with me, and despite having come close to two roles, I remain unemployed.

I did try to call to discuss this a week or so ago, and after 4 attempts at navigating your menu system, I was promised a call back.  No such call was received.

I emphasise that I do want to pay this debt.  But I ask for some clemency to allow myself to be able to continue to eat whilst unemployed.

An ideal solution, which I trust would be amenable to both parties, would be for you to agree to collect it via PAYE once I am employed again.  Though it is out of my hands as to when I am next employed, I am doing all I can to find a suitable role – if you know anyone looking for a junior web developer in London please do let me know!  Hopefully I will be employed before long.

I trust that this will be a mutually agreeable arrangement, which is how you would usually collect the unpaid tax.

Should I still be unemployed at the end of the next tax year – exceptionally unlikely, then I will apply for a sex change, move to Thailand and become a ladyboy, and repay you that way.

Alternatively I might become a Youtube star from my Can I Put Gravy With That channel.  I only have 35 views so far, but it is early days.  I am aiming to become as popular as Bread Face Woman and would of course be able to pay lots of tax if that comes true.

Though ideally I will just get a normal job instead in the next couple of months and pay you back via PAYE.

Please can you confirm your agreement either in writing to my above address or by calling me on 07831 981 920.

******

In the meantime I took part in some market research for HMRC about a potential new website for those who receive P800 letters (those you have paid too much/too little letters) and earned £120.00.

I then received a very long letter which I will not bore you with, explaining that it occurred due to my previous employer not taxing my medical benefits (???) and that the tax was strictly due and payable in full, but that after taking into account all of the circumstances, they would not take any action to collect it.

Winner.  Though I do feel a bit like a giant multinational corporation now.

I am sure I will get the opportunity to pay lots more tax in due course.  And thankfully I have no need to go to Thailand.

Tuesday, April 04, 2017

Complaints: Sainsbury's & Short-Dated Chicken

A complaint from last year, in May, after my Supermarket Slut project and part of my ongoing relationship troubles with Sainsbury's Online.

*******

Hi Sainsburys

Do you remember me?

We used to be close.  Really close.  We used to date each other every weekend.

But then you kept sending me short-dated chicken...and I can only stand being cheated on so often, so I decided to play the field - as they say, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Well, there are 6 supermarkets in UK sea - Asda, Techno, Morrisons, Sainsburys, Waitrose and Ocado.  There may allegedly be others but I do have standards.

I decided to rate them, similar to the website ratemypoo.com (do you remember that?) but for online deliveries.

You actually came top with 81 points.  I have attached a spreadsheet outlining my findings.  We might still have a future together.

However, Ocado have a much larger range of fish.  And have given me a free delivery voucher.

So for now, it'll just be occasional flirting between us.

I hope you are ok with that.  I do still care about you.

Love.
James

*******

Dear James

Thanks for getting in touch with us. How could I forget you? We always had fun at the weekends during our dating time, you left a good impression when you entered yourself into the sexy torso competition, which I hope you won.

I haven’t seen you in a few months, so you’ve kept me wondering, now I understand you were testing the waters with my competitors. I’ll not classify this as you cheating just yet if it’s only been the odd occasion, although, I am pretty upset. I can see they haven’t scored as highly as me on your attached spreadsheet, which I’m secretly very pleased about.

I’m sorry my colleague’s instore have sent you short life chicken and you feel cheated, I understand how disappointed you must feel, I’d feel the same if I was in your shoes, I’m also a lover of chicken. I’ve been assured by the manager of the store that he’ll speak to my colleagues to ensure we don’t cheat you again by sending you short life produce. Then, perhaps we can get back on track and forget about the other supermarkets you’ve been playing the field with? As I said, this is very upsetting for me, I thought we had strong connection and our relationship was going well considering we’ve dated over 100 times.

Thanks for pointing out that my competitor Ocado do a much larger range of fish. I’m now working hard with suppliers to up my dating game and ensure we provide a much larger range of fish instore and online.

There are plenty more fish in the sea, but, I believe that you’re the fish for me. As we’ve found each other again, hopefully this will help us to get back on track with dating every weekend in the future.

I’ve sent you a £10 voucher as a gesture of goodwill for the fact we cheated you by sending short life chicken. The voucher code xxxx-xxxx-xxxx can be used when you’re ready to accept my offer of a date. Please enter the code when checking out your groceries.

I’m happy with flirting for now. As you said, you do still care about me, so, I’m confident that once I prove I can be faithful to you, we can get our dating relationship back on track and it can go back to just being us that date in future which I’m very excited about.

Thanks again for contacting Sainsbury’s and I hope that we can have a date really soon.


Kind regards,