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Friday, March 31, 2017

Still Fucking Unemployed

I sometimes worry about writing blog posts expressing negativity as I don't want to be seem as that grumpy, miserable, depressing bastard to avoid.

However I have checked the last 20 posts and I reckon you could only count 3 of them as at least semi-miserable.  The 20 prior, I don't think any of them are miserable.  And if you include all my music, politics, football and roast dinner blogs, then you are looking at roughly 1 in 2-300 that have espouse negative emotions (do shit roast dinners count?).

Writing when I am fucked off is quite cathartic.  And I like to think that there is more self-defecating humour than psychological wrist-slitting shit going on.  I tend to feel better afterwards anyway.

So today I set my alarm for 6:30am.  Why on earth would an unemployed person do such a thing?

Well, I had a hair appointment across the other side of London at 9am.  Thankfully I then shortly received a message to postpone - I really was not keen on a rush hour commute across London when I didn't need to - why the fuck did I even think that was a good idea?

So I laid in bed for around 1.5 hours.  Not sleeping, just listening to the inane ramblings of dumb presenters on Talksport banging on yet again about Arsene Fucking Wenger.  By the way - there is going to be a bit of swearing in here.


I then proceeded to sit at my computer for a while, checked some e-mails, checked Facebook, looked at some jobs that I'm not vaguely qualified for, checked Facebook for the 5th time today, checked my e-mails again, checked Facebook again, and again.  This pattern went on until around 2pm.

I did go to the bank, and make myself a fairly unhealthy breakfast.  I also read a bit of my book about John Peel (strange how I revere a DJ so much who played so much music I couldn't stand listening to). But generally I did fuck all.

Quite a bit of the time I spent staring at the domain sign-up screen for my next web project that will probably get me absolutely nowhere.  I had quite the plan for today, with a wish to do at least 5 hours of coding towards my new project.  It isn't exactly as if I am planning something difficult, just buy a domain, start a new website, copy and paste an earlier structure, change a few styling bits and fill the content in.

But I simply had, and have, no motivation whatsoever.  Right now, I am fucked off.  Angry, frustrated, miserable, grumpy...worried.

It started yesterday.  I was happy sat in the sun.  But I started worrying about whether I will ever get a job.  Whether I am doing the right things to get a job.  Why isn't my plan working?  Why doesn't anyone want to give me a job?  Do I smell?

It feels like I have reached this nadir where I am questioning the point of putting in any more effort into my job search.  I feel like giving up.  Why am I still spending 40-50 hours a week coding/studying whilst not getting a job?  What is the fucking point?

Without doubt, it is a temporary frame of mind.  I've just been for a walk to Morrison's and I actually felt myself get more and more miserable, the more that I thought about my scenario.  But I've been through this in January - being unemployed is psychologically fucking tough, especially all that rejection.  I have never been very good at dealing with rejection.

During January I drank quite a lot too, often by myself, sometimes during the day - a negative virtuous circle.  Unsurprisingly, I was much happier and more productive during detox, though it isn't exactly as if I have been drinking loads since then.

However I have just poured myself a vodka red bull prior to writing this.  This is a fucking miserable blog post isn't it?

Brexit.

Did I mention that I've put on 3kg in weight recently?

The other thing that really pisses me off, which is totally connected, is not having any money.  I did do a bit of market research recently but that seems to have dried up, and some mystery shopping but there are no decent paid ones out there right now.  I have been filling surveys out too, though some of them pay as little as 50p for 15 minutes work - yes £2 an hour.  I am half-tempted to get a fucking job sweeping the streets and give up the dream.

I am really fed up of not having any money to do anything, or to buy anything.  And I have just had to cancel my subscription to The Economist - though I might try and resubscribe to the new customer £12 for 12 issues deal using a different e-mail address (I have about 20 active e-mail addresses) and different name - I was planning on using the name Tinkerbell Margaret Winfield for my future daughter's name but given that I've not had sex for around 87 centuries I guess I could pretend to be Tinkerbell.  Either that or I could write a letter of complaint to John Redwood and ask him to pay for my subscription as part of his compensation plan towards those that believe in the European Union.

Right, hopefully I've made you miserable too.  I'm going to go bake a cake and then make a pie (yes with lots of fucking gravy) and moan to the checkout machines at Tesco as I try to make them miserable too.

Gosh I wish it were raining.  Pouring with rain.  I hate sunshine.

On the bright side, at least I'm not an Arsenal fan.  That would be truly depressing.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

Trying To Annoy A Recruiter Part 1

Hi James

As we are predominately ex teachers ourselves, we can support you through the lesson observation and coach you for your interview.

We specialise in permanent teacher recruitment across Primary, Secondary and SEN and we have strong relationships with many schools across Berkshire.

Here is a selection of positions that we are currently working on for September 2016:

Head of Geography - Reading - lovely school with a dynamic and effective Head teacher

Teacher of Science - Reading area - "Outstanding" Independent school!

Teacher of Art - Reading area - SEN Specialist school with "outstanding features"

Teacher of Food Tech - Boys School in Berks "good" Ofsted

This is just a selection of the vacancies that we are working on. If any of these vacancies interest you or you are looking for a permanent or a long term position, please forward your CV immediately.

Kind regards,

Senior Business Manager
Reading Education
Reed Specialist Recruitment

******

Hi

I am actually quite good at cooking, and have occasionally done some art when drunk, however I have no teaching experience and children annoy me greatly.

Therefore I do not propose to apply for any of your roles.

Thank you for your kind e-mail and considering me for these roles.

All the best
James

Friday, March 24, 2017

Higher Hate Of Hangovers

It's only two weeks since my detox finished but already I am collecting post-alcohol frustration.

Last Friday I got rather hammered.  I had a self-rage from leaving my suitcase on the train, only then to feel the need to celebrate retrieving it.  I was pretty hammered - somehow and for some unknown reason, I got the 6:15am train back to London.  I do not remember the tube journey at all.


15 years ago that would have been a badge of honour.  Now it pisses me off.

I like a beer.  I like a beer or two.  I love a glass of red wine with dinner occasionally.  And I really love a beer sat in a pub garden on a warm spring or summer day slying admiring cleavage.

But getting drunk is such a hindrance to my life now - I have other priorities and really cannot justify the hangovers at the moment.

Saturday was a complete waste.  I could hardly get out of bed.
Sunday was mostly wasted - I certainly couldn't do any coding.
Monday was mostly wasted - I still didn't have the head to do much coding.
Tuesday was productive - a proper 8am to 6pm coding/studying day.
Then Wednesday through to today, I have had some form of mini-manflu - I've battled on but been nowhere near as productive as I need to be.

So it has been a half wasted week, all down to getting far too drunk on Friday night.

Don't get me wrong, it was fun.  I had a great night - even the two hours where I thought I had lost my suitcase and wanted to repeatedly punch myself were pretty enjoyable thanks to having some good company.

But it has led to me being set back a week in my progress towards completing some more projects to go towards my portfolio, and hence helping me achieve my goal of getting that dream job, and keeping it.

Not to mention I put 2kg on in two weeks which was pretty damn annoying.  Though now mostly lost - I really am trying to lose weight this year, and successfully too.

Maybe I'm too hard on myself, maybe I have too high expectations of myself.

It's Friday night and although I fancy a beer, I really am too focused on what I need to do tomorrow in terms of coding, to have any more than vaguely considered it.  Yes, Friday night, and I actually would prefer not to have a drink.  I am that pissed off with alcohol.

Getting so drunk really cannot have a place in my life any more.  I have far too much to achieve.

Though I'm still having a pint on Sunday with my roast dinner.  Or two.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Cancelling My fabric Membership

Hard times.  Not that I ever go any more but I do like the CDs and sense of belonging.

*****

Dearest fabric

It pains me to say it but I am going to have to cancel my membership.  Temporarily, of course.

I am trying to work out how long I have been a fabricfirst member.  I would take a metaphorical synth stab at 11 years.  I have every one of your CDs.  Room 1 feels like home (well, until my feet get tired and I realise it actually isn't my home).  I still have my original leather membership card - how I have not lost this I have no idea.

It's not you.  It's me.  See, I decided upon the most ridiculous career change from being bored out of my skull in a boiling hot office in Bracknell putting numbers in spreadsheets and annoying people that have paid their bills late, to becoming a full-time Jerry Springer viewer, and occasional Wetherspoon's mystery shopper.

Well, that wasn't quite the dream - I don't have a TV for a start - why would one require a television when one has 187 fabric CDs to listen to?  Also I am allegedly a web developer - though struggling to get my foot in the door.

I will eventually achieve my goal, but at the moment, 3 months unemployed, it is squeaky-bum time - I've cut my food budget down as low as it can possibly go, so now I have to cut back on real necessities and yes, my fabricfirst membership is going to have to be culled.

This transgression I hope is forgivable.  I will re-instate it as soon as I am no longer a scumbag benefits scrounger, and ensure that I order all of the CDs that I have missed.  I do beg your forgiveness - I am going to shortly punish myself by playing Hard House Nation Volume 87 CDs 1 and 2, which are probably exactly the same (and some people call minimal techno repetitive?).  Yes I do play CDs.  How old school of me.  I actually run a tiny little night and we booked a young DJ once who said to me, "oh you play CDs, how cute", as she placed her USB stick into the CDJ.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, please can you temporarily cancel my account.  As David Cameron once said, "I'll Be Back".

Love, gravy-filled Yorkshire puddings and sorrow
James

*****

Hi James,
I thoroughly enjoyed your email and commend you on your stance and courage to leave the ratrace and go at it on your own.

We will however miss you as you’re one of our stalwarts and it’s a sad day when I finally  hit the cancel button on your membership. Please come back when you can. I’ll refund you this month’s charge which went out on Wednesday 1 March, as I was slack in carrying out your request.

All the best with everything!
fabric

Wednesday, March 01, 2017

Lent 2017

Every year I give up something fundamental in my life as a sacrifice.

Last year I gave up high-5's.  The year before I gave up trimming my eyebrows.

Other years I gave up important aspects of living such as French swear words, zebra crossings, semi-colons and paper clips.

If you know me, you know just how religiously I like to follow the nine commandments of the moon and giving something up for lent is my way of worshipping her.

So onto this year.

Well, I really want to give up recruitment consultants.  Sadly, until I get a job, I am going to have to live with them ringing me up trying to prize information out of me whilst having absolutely no intention of putting me forward for any role.

It is often difficult to think of something important enough to give up, sometimes it takes longer than lent itself to think of something, but this year was actually very easy.

I am giving up Brexit for lent (oh if only the government...STOP, James!).

Yes I am giving up Brexit for lent.

No more arguing about Brexit.  No more complaining about Brexit.  No more talking about Brexit.  No taking part in any discussions about Brexit.

To be clear, I am giving up any kind of discussion about Brexit.

I can still read about Brexit or listen/watch the latest news about Brexit, but I cannot make any comment about it whatsoever, positive, negative - any kind of statement, question, verbal or written, other than advise that I have given up Brexit for lent.

Wish me luck.

To celebrate my sacrifice, I am going to have pancakes this afternoon.  Yeah I know I was supposed to have them yesterday but I'm not everyone else.

I'll live my life my way, thank you, not following the edicts of Sainsbury's or whoever made it up.

Finally I'd just like to say, screw you Jesus.