Sunday, September 17, 2017

BBC Election Complaint 1

The BBC often annoy me with the left-leaning political coverage, but they took it to new levels during the election campaign.

Looking back, I think I had an excellent point with this complaint.  Not so sure on the next one I'll post...


Dear Sir/Madam

I have just come back from my imaginary girlfriend's house, Margaret, where I was watching the debate.  I didn't really want to watch the debate, but she was watching it so I had no choice.

Immediately it was clear that a pro-Corbyn audience had been picked.  The BBC had clearly picked a majority who would whoop and cheer for Corbyn like no other candidate.

Not only that, but the interviewer seemed not to allow time for the audience to clap Amber Rudd, and also seemed to offer a disproportionate amount of responses to Corbyn to follow Nuttall's generally dreadful points.  Subtle - but I didn't miss it.

It is difficult enough for the Conservative Party to counter Labour's lies and disinformation without the BBC being on their side too - the supposedly neutral broadcaster.

I have often thought the BBC to be biased towards Labour, though this had seemed to lessen in the last few years.  But this was shocking.  An absolutely disgraceful abuse of broadcasting power.

I appreciate that the BBC might be upset about the idea of another Conservative government, but I expect you to at least make a little bit of effort into reducing bias.

Not only were the audience biased - but the parties themselves, with 5 being of socialist bent - 2 of which are not even national parties.

The whole debate was manufactured to disadvantage the Conservative Party.

James Winfield


Dear Mr Winfield

Many thanks for getting in touch about The BBC Election Debate 2017 broadcast live on BBC One from Cambridge on Wednesday 31st May.

We were naturally concerned to learn of your unhappiness in relation to the audience at the event, so we've discussed viewer concerns personally and at length with the programme's Editor and other senior editorial personnel within BBC News.

To allow us to reply promptly, and to ensure we use our TV Licence fee resources as efficiently as possible, we’re sending this response to everyone. We’re sorry we can’t reply individually, but we hope this will address most of the points raised.

To explain, the BBC commissioned polling company ComRes to recruit an audience reflecting the country demographically and politically.

The BBC Election Debate 2017 involved a discussion between seven different parties, and while some members of the audience were more vocal than others this does not mean its composition was not balanced.

The Conservative and Labour parties had the largest share of supporters in the room.

ComRes has published a fuller summary of its methodology here:

Many thanks once again for taking the time to get in touch. We do hope our reply here helps to clarify our approach and thus allays any concerns you may have had.

Kind Regards

BBC Complaints Team

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

No Booze Until No Belly

That's it.  I've had enough.

Until the last week or so, it seemed like every day I have either got drunk or been hungover.

Since March, I have put on nearly 12kg of weight.  I am the fattest that I have ever been.  I feel unhealthy, I am unfit, my productivity is lower than it should be - though I have had fuckloads of fun in recent months.

There is only one reason I put on weight, and that is alcohol.  If I have more than two beers, I crave shit food.  And then the next day, I crave shit food too.  Both days I will consume around 4,000 to 6,000 calories.

Alternatively, if I don't drink and don't have a hangover, then I consume between 1,500 and 2,000 calories.

Every detox month I have, I lose 3kg or so.  When I started writing this, I was 96.6kg.  I want to be 80kg.

There is only one solution if I want to be rid of my belly.  Give up booze. No booze until no belly.

There will be people out there who will just suggest moderation, or more exercise.  But I am not very good at moderating my alcohol intake - and there is zero chance of me doing two sit-ups on a hangover, no matter how good for me it might be.  Generally I am not a semi-committed person.  Either I am fully committed, or I am not committed - or something close to full/none.  There is no halfway.

And I'm not going to pretend that I'll do much in the way of exercise.  But I'll try and do some - it even got to the point recently where I barely did any walking, let alone anything strenuous.  I'd kind of like to do some kind of sport but I'm shit at most sports, don't like physical contact (of the sporting variety) and as per my usual issue, I struggle to find the time and motivation.

Alcohol or related expenditure (ie bacon sandwiches the day after) consumes a vast quantity of my spare money.  I am not rich.  I earn enough to have no problems, but almost all of my spare money goes on having fun, drinking, and eating out.

But I am finding an increasing need for spending elsewhere; I need new jeans as two pairs have recently developed a hole in their respective bum areas, I need a new winter coat as my old ones are tired and starting to fall apart.  I need a summer jacket and shorts, in the upcoming sales, ready for next summer.  I need some new pillows, as I stupidly left mine in Bracknell, and have been using my landlady's substandard pillows.

I want some new bits for the kitchen, I want a speaker system for outside, I want a fucking Dyson as this round blob thing of my landlady's is rubbish.  I want some lids for my technics...I want more vinyl!  And I need this sequin rucksack - it is me, isn't it?

I want/need a holiday.  I am actually going to book one as long as I can save up £200 this month - I am on a pretty strict budget.  As long as I don't go out and get drunk, I can afford it.  In fact, I want at least two more trips away this year.

I also want to spend more time coding, I want to enhance my skills so that I might either get a pay rise next year, or be able to get one or two paid projects.  I also want to get back into cooking properly - I rarely have the time or energy to cook properly in an evening now, yet I appreciate it so much when I do.  Likewise, I want to spend more time practising DJing - again thwarted by the depletion of my time and energy resources.

I'm sure I'll crack at some point.  I will probably allow myself a beer or two when I achieve some weight reduction goals.

And holidays are obviously exempt, from the moment I get through security at the airport.

See you later, beer.  Hello carrot juice.

Wednesday, September 06, 2017

Complaint: Badvocado

Written when I was unemployed...


"Oh not him again".

Yes I know, you thought that you wouldn't hear from me again now I'm unemployed (technically on gardening leave which means I do things like sorting out kitchen cupboards looking for out of date tins of pineapple), as I am now just a yellow sticker boy with an occasional foray into Iceland.  I shall still probably buy carrots from you.

But on my last weekly shop with you until I am redeemed from this life of loneliness (I have lots of friends, honest), I have disappointment to proffer.

Recently I have been wondering what it would be like to be a lesbian.  So for this week's food shopping, I decided against buying chicken for my salad and went full vegetarian (lunchtime vegetarian anyway).  Avocado was going to be my meat substitute.

Imagine my disappointment when I cut open one of my two avocados to find it was a badvocado.  Brown with a hint of green.  Yuckity yuck.

You can send me a voucher for the avocado if you wish but unfortunately it may be a while before I can use it online.  Hopefully someone will see the web developer talent in me before they see the complaint writing talent.

All the best.
James 'Lesbian' Winfield


Dear James

Thanks for blessing us with your presence.

I am sorry that your avocados have arrived in this condition and I hope that this has not made you give up on this newfound passion of yours.

I know how a badvocado can ruin a salad all too well, and I am thus passing this issue to our Kenton branch so they can work on improving the fresh produce sent out to you, so that your carrot purchases can continue.

I am issuing an evoucher, for £4 to cover the avocado plus a little extra as a gesture of goodwill. The voucher code is A4MG-6KQX-Q74V, and will be valid for 2 years, but I hope we see you well before then.

We appreciate the time you’ve taken to contact Sainsbury’s and hope the gardening leave does not go on too long.

Kind regards,

Duncan Graham | Sainsbury's Online


Random image of Spanish lesbians.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017


Congratulations to me!

One year ago today, I loaded my boxes onto a van and said goodbye to Bracknell - and hello to London.

Yes, it is one year since I moved into my house in Harrow and started preparing for my new life as a web developer.  My new life living in London.

I remember that first week well - it was hot, which made moving and unpacking quite a sweaty affair.  I had an awesome pork belly lunch on the Friday at The Chapel in Marylebone, with Martin, and then walked around Regent's Park - enjoying my freedom.

Of course, it didn't all go to plan with losing my first job, but it definitely worked out well as now I am in a much better role, a real developer job, working in the centre of the excitement, and earning more money than in that role.

Even being unemployed was fine as I was living in London and got to stare at tube trains going past my house - oh the excitement.

Since moving, I have explored quite a bit; Harrow, Camden, Shoreditch, Dalston, Hammersmith, Putney, Wimbledon, Greenwich, London Bridge, Soho, Brixton, Peckham - probably many more areas too - some I knew already, some I barely touched.

There are about 100 things on my to-do list, from restaurants, bars, museums, parks - all kinds of unusual things too.  I will eventually get around to publishing my list - it's also on my to-do list.

Top of my priorities for the next few weeks are, butterflies, robots and art maze - all of which close soon.  If anyone wants to join me, you know where I am, though I'll be quite happy going on my tod.

As Samuel Johnson once said, "When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life".

I don't see how I'll ever be bored here.

Definitely one of the best things that I have ever done with my life. 

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

James Went To Milan. And Tirano. And Zurich.

A couple of years ago, I decided to go on holiday wherever the random country generator told me to go.

It chose Somalia.  I decided to over-rule it given the high chance of kidnapping and/or death.  It then chose Switzerland.  A much lower chance of death.

Then I had the question of what to actually do.  Where in Switzerland to go.  I could just have taken cheap Ryanair flights to say, Bern.  Or perhaps a city break to Geneva or Zurich.  Or go see the large hadron collider.  Nowhere grabbed me and said 'get your cheapo ass here'.

Then I saw Michael Portillo on a train in Switzerland and the scenery was just astonishingly beautiful.  I was sold.  Eventually I ordered a brochure on Swiss train journeys and saw that the prices were astonishing - and not at all beautiful.  Except for the Bernina Express, which went between Tirano in Italy, and Chur in Switzerland.

I soon found out that if I booked a journey with Deutsche Bahn, there was a cap on prices if my journey finished in Germany, which made it much cheaper than booking through Swiss trains.

I was quite happy to do the holiday by myself, but quite a few people were interested. In the end it was myself, my sister and my sister's friend, Dave, a fellow Hullite - someone roughly as funny and weird as me.  I'd like to think he is my friend too now.

Milan had never been on my to-do list, and I have definitely 'done' enough of Italy over the years.  But given that we had to fly into Milan, it seemed irresponsible not to spend a bit of time there too.

Arriving into Milan, it was hot - the kind of temperatures of which I had already forgotten about, but thankfully not the exceptional 37'C of the week before.  There were even thunderstorms in the distance - ooh!

The train station itself was probably one of the grandest train stations I have ever visited.  If not the grandest.  Quite an architectural masterpiece - a truly stunning building - so much so that there was actually no graffiti on it - a crazy idea in an Italian city.  Though my sister said it reminded her of Hull train station.  Rightio.

There was no plan for Milan, but after a quick Google search, the top tourist destination was the Duomo - a very grand and impressive cathedral.  We joined various queues and eventually managed to work out how to get tickets to go both inside and on the roof terrace.  Then joined a couple more queues, found out our tickets were only for the terrace, so joined the queue to go up to the terrace, queued a bit more for the lift, queued a bit more to exit the lift and there we were.  On top of a cathedral.  It felt naughty.  If only I smoked weed.  Highlight 1 of the holiday.

We then made the rookie tourist mistake of buying a drink next to a tourist square in Italy - which cost more than my excellent pizza later in the night - the only meal of the holiday that I was especially impressed with.  And even then just an 8/10.

Later in the evening we found a fairly decent collection of canal-side bars - though I am sure you've seen European canal-side bars before so I won't go on.

Again there was no plan for the next day, until Dave suggested going to the 'Klimt Experience'.  Yeah, me neither.  Apparently Gustav Klimt was an Austrian artist in the late 19th and early 20th century.  I didn't have any better suggestions and was hoping to get the two indie kids with me to a techno parade on Saturday, so I agreed and hobbled along.

It was billed as an immersive experience.  A large room with Klimt's pictures projected around, moving at different speeds, replacing each other at different speeds, with booming (slightly headache-inducing and very obvious) classical music from the era.  His pictures seemed quite fucked up with patterns happening in random places - often completely nonsensical yet totally beautiful.  Oh, and he liked painting naked women.

Not only do I have a new favourite artist, but I have a new insight and understanding on the art world - art is something that I have rarely understood.  This touched me and was highlight number 2 of the holiday.  I was so impressed that when (if) I have some spare money, I am going to buy a print of his work.

Then it was time to step outside into the thundery-feeling atmosphere to go buy some drinks ready for our train journey into the mountains, and to the small town of Tirano.

Milan surprised me.  I didn't think I'd be so keen - I expected all up-market snobbery, I expected to feel completely out of place (not that I give a fuck) with people looking down at me for not wearing Armani socks.  The people were actually less 'stylish' than in London, far friendlier than Rome, there was a really good mix of culture, some history - and I grew to really like it in my 30 hours there.  Even if I was teased by distant thunderstorm clouds the whole time.  Though maybe all the Milanese were not in Milan - it was August.

So we headed out of Milan, thunderstorm clouds in the distance, on a 2.5 hour train journey to Tirano, where the Bernina Express would leave from the next day.

We started to get a taste of the scenery as we headed up into the mountains, with the train hugging the edge of Lake Como for quite some time.  It became a little less fun a few drinks in when we realised the toilet was out of order - there were two trains connected so it meant missions from one train to another when it stopped.

We arrived into Tirano to pouring rain.  And no thunder.  Our hotel was fairly basic - but had spectacular views of the mountains, and the toilet was probably made in Hull.  Again none of us had had time to research anything to do or anywhere to eat - then again there wasn't anything to do in Tirano.

We found a restaurant in a very cute looking area, and they clearly saw me coming - €20 I paid for one duck thigh and a handful of very small roast potatoes.  One was not amused.

Yes that was it.

I had pretty much run out of Euros so we called it a night, via a cocktail bar - a thankfully very good value cocktail bar.

The next morning, I had around 34 salami and cheese sandwiches from the buffet, and then we went for a walk up the river, to see what we could see - a gentle incline though not actually tackling any of the mountains themselves.

The scenery was just stunning.  It was a delight to be out in the countryside (the one thing I miss now I live in London), watching the river flow, seeing the clouds build.  Predictably there was a thunderstorm in Milan.

We stocked up on vodka for the Bernina Express, and sat down outside, watching the clouds roll in and the rain start.  Predictably the last place we drank at was the only place without a card machine - none of us had any Euros so I had a mad dash around to try to find a cash machine.

As we hauled our suitcases onto the Bernina Express, it began to pour down once more.

I love rain.  But rain was not the ideal weather for either being able to see out of our panoramic train windows, or to photograph the beauty.

The Bernina Express winds it way up the mountain on a single track with occasional passing points.  You often see the same scenery as it gradually makes its way up the mountain range, but as the height becomes greater, so does the spectacular nature of the scenery.

Doncaster to Hull this ain't.

Mountains, waterfalls, valleys, industrial works - trains for logs.  We went over bridges, viaducts and through many tunnels - it was quite the feat of engineering.

It was also notable as the train went further into Switzerland, that the housing became more typically Swiss.

Perhaps the last hour of the 4 hour journey became a bit samey, and I pined to see some sunshine - I actually saw some wet snow falling over the highest peak.  Just a few flakes - enough for a Facebook meltdown if it happened in the UK.

Once in Chur, we changed for the fast train to Zurich which was fairly unremarkable - as was the rest of the evening except for gawping at how expensive everything was in Zurich. Kind of like when I first moved from Hull to Reading.

I did have a nice piece of salmon, a good pint of Erdinger and a practice on the hotel corridor ice machine.

And then Saturday happened.  Given the prices at restaurants, we just bought exceptionally crap 'sausage rolls' from the coop (not co-op) and went for a nice walk around Zurich.

I never quite understood the point of Zurich.  It's nice, they have lots of fountains and fairly low-rise buildings.  Plenty of offices - not a huge amount of historical buildings.  It was very orderly and clean, I didn't have one person ask me for spare change - quite the opposite to Milan, and I don't recall seeing any signs of anyone being poor - no surprise given that Switzerland is known as being a rich place - a banker's paradise.

Given that my two travelling companions were not especially enamoured with techno music, being into bands and stuff, I was more hoping to persuade them to go to Zurich Street Parade than expecting.  Perhaps just for a couple of hours.

Whilst awaiting the start time, we plonked ourselves out the front of a bar (which also sold bicycles at up to £8,000 - wtf?), and did a bit of people watching.  And there was plenty to see.

Once start time was upon us, we headed down to the parade, and found the front of it.  It was a queue of 25 trucks, each with a big fat soundsystem on the back and around 1-200 dressed-up people on board.

Everyone else, around 900,000 people, just drunk and danced - all kinds of ages from 5 to 75, all kinds of people.  As soon as the music started on the first truck, it just went off.

We stayed roughly in the same position for much of the day, awaiting the various trucks - with occasional visits to the shops to stock up on alcohol.

There was more tech-house or techno than any other form of music, but hardcore, freestyle, drum'n'bass, minimal and house all featured.  My two favourite trucks were the Elrow truck with the giant rhino leading it - quite a cacophony of celebration as you would expect.  I also though the hardstyle truck was ace - absolutely mental - didn't like the music, but the mentalness was another level.  Neither music favourites - but for atmosphere and crazies.

This was a truly mental day out.  A great celebration of dance music.  I have lost interest in clubbing this year, partly due to unemployment, partly due to trying to be successful in my new job - and partly because it just takes so fucking long to recover.  But it was like being home - mentally.

Much vodka was consumed and I don't remember an awful lot about the end of it. Apparently we went to MacDonald's, I refused the chicken nuggets that my sister bought for me and bought my own instead.  I was apparently unable to walk exclusively on the pavement.  I do have vague memories of ice bowling in the corridor of the hotel.  And vague memories of taking refuge in a church, to use their toilet.

Sunday was just one of those waiting to come home days.  A £15 all-you-can-eat breakfast (not especially good), followed by a nice walk around the local industrial/commercial area, and a few beers in the sunshine whilst being attacked by wasps.

Arriving back and going into work on the Monday morning, I still had a really big smile on my face following just the supreme amount of fun that we had.  I really could have done with a nice relaxing holiday, but I wouldn't swap it for the world.

I absolutely loved being in the mountains, delighted to have discovered my new favourite artist, Gustav Klimt, and just had a ridiculous amount of fun at the street parade in Zurich.  And had just excellent company too.

There was only one thing left to do and that was to ask the random country generator for the next destination.

It picked Kuwait.

I rolled again.

It picked Dijbouti.

I rolled again.

It picked Fiji.

Hmmm.  Need to go back to the drawing board on this random selection idea.  But I really do need to book another holiday soon.  Maybe even an actual relaxing holiday.  I'll get my thinking cap on...and stop spending so much money on shite.

Very good, son.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

2017 Goals

I had some goals in mind when I started the year, but I didn't feel like setting any goals - there wasn't much point in setting half of them when I was unemployed and had next to zero income.

Sure some I could achieve that didn't cost money, but many goals do involve expenditure.  It seemed pointless - but I had a list in mind.

Now I am a fully-fledged permanent employee, it is time to set some goals for the rest of the year.

I am writing a full set of annual goals as if it were the 1st January.


Lose weight.  My ever un-achieved goal.  This year I really, seriously want to get down to 82kg.  I started the year at 90kg.

37 day detox.  37 years old, 37 days without alcohol, caffeine, chocolate and cake.  And hopefully a reduction in alcohol intake during the rest of the year - I am now counting units drank (and not in an 18 year-old boasting kind of way).

Pie Day.

Get on my bike.  Another one I fail every year, I am less capable of cycling than last year.  If I can do a 9km ride then I will call it achieved.  Alternatively find some form of exercise that I enjoy.

Dating.  Go on one date.


4 new countries.  I only went to 1 last year when the target was 2 - there really was no excuse for not going somewhere else.  Even by myself.  So this year, 4 countries.  Starting with Slovakia in January, and hopefully 3 more.

Top 20 places.  Go to one of the places on my top 20 must-visit list.  And get around to publishing my list!

Random country.  Two years ago I picked Switzerland as my random holiday country (well I picked Somalia first, yeeeeaaaahhhhhhh).  Time to go.

Road trip to Hull.  Take at least 1 friend to Hull for the City Of Culture celebrations.

Cricket.  Go to a new cricket ground, and also see a 20/20 game.

Museums.  Go to some museums - Science and Design museums are top of my list.


Get a coding job and keep my coding job.

Learn Angular or React - both vital frameworks if one is to be a successful coder.

JavaScript.  Continue to expand my JavaScript knowledge and focus on this as much as possible.

Getting paid.  Do my first paid project - doesn't matter if it is just £100.

Sunshine Design.  Finish my Sunshine Design website and launch my website building agency.  In the event of employment, this will not be my priority.


Roast Dinners in London.  Make Roast Dinners in London the top roast dinners blog in London, and add all the extra functionality that I have in mind for it.

Secret Blog.  Finally launch my secret blog that I am not telling anyone about (unless I get really drunk and you are really attractive).

Election Odds.  Expand and professionalise my blog and hopefully make a few quid out of affiliate links.

Crazy Football Bets.  As above - though I'm less bothered about this.


New PC.  This heap of junk is so slow and keeps crashing.

New phone.  This heap of junk is so slow and keeps freezing.


Give more money to charity.  I don't give huge amounts and I am not setting my financial target in public, but I want to give more to charity.

Increase savings.  I want to try to increase my savings by £2,000.  Impossible without a job, and probably impossible with a job in London.

Invest.  I want to invest at least a portion of my fairly meagre savings - not sure into what yet.

Political betting.  Invest some more money into political betting, which I am quite good at winning on.


Monthly DJing.  Keep the Dark Matter night and try my hardest to ensure it is the go-to night for underground house/techno in Reading, and that my friends do occasionally visit.

Monthly DJ mixes.  I want to record DJ mixes and release them once a month, if possible.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Complaints - Society 6

Dear Society 5

I recently bought two t-shirts from you, I say recently, I mean a few months ago. It was my first purchase from yourselves.

I wore the yellow one for the second time on Sunday, when walking around central London looking at the hot women on holiday in our not so hot capital city. When I drooled onto my t-shirt, I noticed that there was a hole between the main part of the t-shirt and the band around the top - is it a collar?

I had only once previously worn it which was in Ibiza when I went to meet some bloke I had met in a nightclub the night before to buy some very expensive small packs of salt from him - €30 for 0.6g of salt. Can you believe it?

Anyway, I'm not happy with the quality of this t-shirt - the other one is fine.

I don't particularly want a replacement, as I'll take it to Hull where my mam lives so she can sow it. Have you ever been to Hull? City Of Culture 2017. You should check it out - London is so passe.



Hi James,

Sorry to hear about the shirt here.  I do love the picture you painted here.

Instead of a replacement, please accept this voucher for $25 off your next order:

Look at that!  Covers the cost of a new shirt.

Please let us know if you have any other questions.  Sorry again for the inconvenience here.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Job Offer

You know those e-mails from recruitment companies?  As someone with the word 'JavaScript' on my portfolio, I am in demand.  Mostly I delete them without reading, but occasionally I am tempted to play along...especially when they have a Spanish name...


Good afternoon James,

I hope you are well. I just tried to reach you to discuss a Javascript
Developer role we have in Malaga (Spain):,frontend-developer_5243.htm [1] [1]

In case you could be interested, please let me know when I could
contact you so we can discuss it further. Otherwise, you can always
reach me here: +34 933443225 [2].

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards,


Hola Sandra, como esta?

Trabajar es España?  Si solo...amo España mucho.

I'm actually very happy living and working in London at the moment.  However with Brexit approaching, and especially if Jeremy Corbyn becomes Prime Minister, then I would be very keen to work in a vibrant, growing economy like Spain - as long as Podemos are not in government.  I know Rajoy and his lot are a tad crooked but it seems like their economic reforms are working.

I fear for the future of my country at the moment - it is like everyone has gone insane - but Spain looks like it is putting solid foundations in for a good future.

Feel free to keep my details on file and contact me if disaster happens and the socialists take over the United Kingdom.

All the best


Shock horror - she didn't read my e-mail...


Good morning James,

Thanks for the quick reply.

So, would you be interested in having a little chat over the phone so
I can tell you a little bit more about the roles?

In case you are, please send me your contact details and tell me when
it would be a suitable time for you to talk.

Best regards,


Que pasa?  Is Jeremy Corbyn Prime Minister? :-(

To clarify, I am not currently interested in a new job - however if the UK becomes a socialist disaster then please do contact me.

Gracias, tiene un dia buena.


Good afternoon James,

Thanks for the information. Let's stay in touch then.

Best regards,

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Review Of 2016 Goals

I never bothered reviewing my 2016 goals, or setting 2017 goals, as I was unemployed.

Better late than never.


Lose Weight – My original plan was to get down to 87kg last year, then 83kg this year.  Given that I failed, I’m amending this to 85kg this year (I’m currently 91kg as of writing).

Failed.  90kg by the end of the year.

36 Day Detox – I’m upping it by 5 days this year (in effect an extra weekend, eeek!) and including processed meat such as bacon and sausages.  It started on 27th January.


Get On My Bike, More – I’m aiming to be able to cycle 12km in a single stint by the end of the year.  I can currently manage 6km.  I will be going for a ride most weekends that I’m not partying, and some evenings when it is light.

Failed.  I can do even less.

Vegetarian Day – I have cut down the amount of meat I eat – not for any other reason than trying to manage my calorie intake.  However I still always eat meat every day so I am going to go one day without eating any meat to see what happens – this does not include those days post-nightclub where I am too fucked to eat.

Passed.  I think I inadvertently managed one day without meat.

Pie Day – You can work this one out for yourself.



2 New Countries – If I go to 2 new countries a year for the rest of my life, I will have been to a fair proportion of the planet.  I’d particularly like to go to Romania and Switzerland this year, but I’m not too fussy over the exact countries.  Dipping my toe into Scandinavia appeals, as does Athens.

Failed.  Only made it to Romania.

1 Party Holiday – The obvious choice will always be Ibiza and assuming I can find appropriate dancing partners then this is likely to happen.  Alternatively maybe a festival abroad such as Sunwaves, or if I don’t do Ibiza, then book Mexico next January for BPM.


1 UK Adventure.  There are still some areas of the UK that are unexplored for me.  Cambridge and Brighton being two examples of places that I really should have been to.  Others such as Newcastle, Liverpool and Bristol I have been to, but to a very limited extent.  I live in a fantastic country and I want to explore more of it.


Cricket – I want to go to a new cricket ground, and also to watch a 20/20 game live.

50% passed - went to Lord's.

Castles, museums and country houses – I want to visit at least one countryside-based grand house, and one London-based museum, or similar cultural experience.

Probably passed.

See Ricardo Villalobos.  It is my only must-do clubbing adventure.

Failed - I did go but he didn't turn up.

Go clubbing 6 times.  Not fussed where nor who to see.


Fabric birthday.  Best party of the year.

n/a.  It was closed.


Free Code Camp – There is a really good website which is helping me practice my coding skills.  I want to be at least close to completing the Front End certification by the end of the year – say 2/3rds done.  Given that the certificate takes an estimated 800 hours, this is quite some objective!

50% passed.

JavaScript – I particularly want to focus on learning JavaScript this year, and try to get more of a handle on it.  It really is very difficult to learn.

50% passed - not as focused as I should have been but certainly improved.

SASS, PHP, Angular, React & CSS Animations are other languages/areas of web development that I would like to at least like to start learning.

25% passed - learn some PHP.

Portfolio – I must have a portfolio of a few websites very shortly.

100% passed.

Become 100% fluent in Spanish.  According to the app that I use, anyway.  Duolingo reckons that I am 41% fluent right now.  I can read it pretty well but speaking and listening are so much more difficult.

50% passed.  I got bored.

Cooking – I want to get another cookbook from another country, and also expand my knowledge of salads.  Yes, you read that correctly.


Learn About Music – At some future point when I am not spending huge amounts of time studying web development, I would like to learn how to make music.  My goal for this year, is just to do some little thing about it.



Blog Refresh – I aim to refresh all of my blogs, giving them a slightly different feel at the very least., with the exception of the recently-launched blogs.

25% passed.  I refreshed a few.

Top Tunes Blog – This I aim to professionalise.  Unfortunately what I want to do costs a bit of money so I keep putting it off.

Failed.  Kind of started.

Weather Forecasting – I’m currently close to 2,400 readers on my weather forecasting page.  I want to reach 3,500 by the end of the year and also I intend on starting a new weather project via a new website I am soon going to be building.


Ubereadoolische – This is being relaunched soon with a more modern look – it is also written in Drupal, which is a content management system that I wanted to learn.


Roast Dinners Around Reading – This finishes this year and I want to go out in style.

Passed with flying colours.

New blogs – I have ideas for new blogs, and I want at least one of them to replace Roast Dinners Around Reading.

Passed.  I have too many blogs.

Discard blogs – Some old blogs have to be disposed of.  Time is short.



Technics – I will be buying a pair this year, along with CDJ stands and some decent headphones that I will not let anyone borrow (ie steal) ever again.

Passed though I barely play them.

Supermarket Slut – I want to test out all the major supermarkets to see if there is anywhere else that I prefer to Sainsburys.



Get out of Bracknell – Pretty self-explanatory.

Passed with style!

Get a job – There is some uncertainty as to how long I will have this current job, so at some point I will need to start looking for another.  Ideally as a junior web developer, but the money would be low to start, very low, so maybe as a senior credit controller if I can find something interesting.

Passed.  Then failed!

Laugh more – Quite simply I want to enjoy life more and I want to be happier.  Therefore I must laugh more.  Even if it is just a daily belly-laugh to weird out my colleagues.

Not sure.  Let's call it 50% achieved.

Exactly 50% success rate.

Sunday, July 02, 2017

Loving London Life

You know when you ask someone how they are?  Many people just give the same answer every time - their cat might have died but they're fine.  They just had an amazing blow job but they're still fine.

I normally think and give an answer.  Occasionally if I'm tired, in a rush, too many people have asked me or just don't like the person asking me, then I'll give the bland answer.  But I like to treat people's questioning of my health and happiness with respect, and give them a considered answer.

At the moment, it is noticeable how often I am using the words, 'good' or 'happy', or words to those effect.  Perhaps it is the sunshine.  But I don't recall using such positive adjectives this time last year (even before the referendum).

What has changed?  Quite a lot.  This time last year I was doing credit control in Bracknell, living in Bracknell.  Now I am doing web development in London, living in London.

I simply love being in London.  I have been threatening to move here since about 2005 and sometimes question why it has taken me so long.  Though I wouldn't have all the wonderful friends I have now, were that the case.  Definitely no regrets.

But still, it does feel like this is the making of me.

London is a tiring city.  Yet so energising.  There is always something to do - always something I want to do.  From walks in the many beautiful parks, to museums, bars, clubs, mini-festivals, restaurants, drag king nights - my to-do list is rammed.

Time is limited by work though.  It's a long day, working 9-6, with over an hour each way for commuting.  Rare is there an evening where there isn't something I want to do - rare is there an evening where I actually do anything though, for fear of not getting my 8 hours sleep (which never happens anyway).

But work doesn't feel like work.  There is a buzz walking through the city, I have a nice park to sit outside and in my lunch in.  There is a myriad of street food places to try - which I am promising myself I will when (if) I lose this belly - amazing looking food everywhere.

Work itself doesn't feel like work.  A comfortable office, very nice people, a few absolute hotties, free food and drink at times - the actual work I enjoy.  Well, occasionally it is frustrating, I can spend hours trying to fix the position of something - then make a semi-complex function in 5 minutes.  But the frustrating bits are part of the fun - the feeling of elation when I solve a problem, which was utterly non-existent in credit control.

Even the tube journey I am content with.  Air conditioning helps.  Normally I get a seat at some point during the journey if I position myself correctly (I always allow women or old people to sit down first).  And normally there are some hotties on the tube too.

In fact, I seem to fall in love several times a day.  And I am in love with London itself.

One is definitely happy right now.

Time to go straighten my hair and go for a walk.  Regent Street is closed to traffic so I'm going to take a wander down there - I might get myself a glitter moustache, there is apparently a Brazilian samba going on, and a steel band, then onto my roast dinner haunt in Farringdon which is allegedly a Time Out Top 5 roast.  Will it make my top 5?

Monday, May 29, 2017

Me & The Moment

I started writing this last night as I was waiting to see what was happening with the thunderstorms in the English Channel.

As I was spending a lot of time just staring at the lightning detector, I had time to ponder.  I guess I have plenty of time to ponder - over two hours a day commuting for example but maybe my tiredness and glass of vodka red bull were helping me direct my ponderation.  The question I was asking myself was, "how happy am I?".

For sure, I am enjoying my life right now.  Saturday I went to a Spanish festival of queuing near Tower Bridge - I could quite happily spend hours just watching that bridge, without being surrounded by beautiful Spanish women.  Yesterday I went to, erm, Essex.

Last weekend I had a Sunday afternoon boogie in Greenwich, the weekend before I went to watch us get relegated, I've been to Kew Gardens, I had my parents visiting - I am certainly filling up my weekends with lots of fun things.

The fun doesn't stop, next weekend I'm going to watch Raving Iran, have a political roast dinner, the weekend after is the general election on the Thursday, going to Bodean's (the BBQ place), going out somewhere undecided on the Sunday - there is the cricket at Lord's coming up in the not-too-distant future.

I am definitely taking advantage of the opportunities of living and WORKING in London.  I love it.  Why the Brexit didn't I move here earlier?

Yet I'm not as happy as I should be.  I feel that my underlying levels of happiness are not quite what they should be - and the main reason is my weight.  It is the one thing that can get me down very easily.  It is good to feel good about how one looks - beautiful hair and short shorts are not enough.

Being unemployed, I lost weight.  I went from 90kg to 85kg in a few months.  The detox definitely helped.  Since gaining employment, I have gained weight.  Significantly.  I am now 92kg.  7kg on in 7 weeks!!!  Oh and if you voted Brexit and are stuck in the past, here is a weight unit converter.

I am pretty annoyed with myself.  I know why it is - alcohol.

If I don't drink, I consume around 1,500 to 2,000 calories per day.  If I do drink, even just 3 pints, then I consume between 3,500 to 6,500 calories per day.  And the day after I consume more too as sausage rolls suddenly appeal more than salad.

Last week I drank on Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday - only two days excessively, but still way, way too much.

Getting my weight down to a healthy level has to be my number one priority in life now.  I have decided that if I don't get it back in the right direction over the next two months - ie approaching 85kg instead of 95kg, then I need to take drastic action.

Said drastic action will be giving up alcohol.


Totally giving up alcohol.

Well, until I get down to say 78kg.

As much as alcohol is present in many of the good times that I have - I do believe that it is at the centre of any problems too.  Most definitely my weight.  Being nearly 40 - if I don't sort out being overweight, I expect this will become a health problem.  I simply have to do it.

I should be able to lose weight and still have the occasional beer.  But at the moment, it isn't the occasional beer.

The other priority in my life is, of course, my job.  I've settled in well, and feel like I am contributing now.  I don't complete as many tasks as the others, and sometimes are overwhelmed by requirements - but mostly I work out what I need to do, and how.

I did, for the first time, manage to annoy my boss on Friday morning - not on purpose either.  Innocuous but avoidable.  And I've also made one or two silly mistakes - but nothing you wouldn't expect from a junior developer.

Likewise, I have also done some pretty good work, and I have some good ideas for improving the website into the future.

I do still have to pinch myself about what I have achieved.  It was really quite stark last week, thinking that this time last year I was in an office in Bracknell, bored out of my skull, constantly moaning about the heat, being made to wear shitty shirts and trousers that I hated, getting abused by customers, rarely using my brain, and did I mention that I worked in Bracknell?

I did work with very nice people though.

Now I'm in a very cool office in London, doing a job I really enjoy, I can wear what I want - we even have fucking air conditioning!  Free cakes, free beer (hmmm maybe that might not help) - working in the centre of the universe, surrounded by good bars, restaurants - a tiny little park to sit in when it is hot and sunny.  Loads of beautiful women being too fat to be beautiful in return.  An art gallery around the corner, the Barbican within lunchtime walking distance...Shoreditch 5 minutes away (albeit Shoreditch is about as appealing as Leicester Square nowadays).

I do need to book a holiday at some point - I need to go on an adventure some place new.  The Bernina Express looks like the trip for me.  Trains and mountains - what more could one want in the summer?  I also feel the need to meet one or two new people in London, to add something to my life.  Apparently drunk James wanted a girlfriend on Saturday night as I apparently messaged various women on Plenty of Fish.  Scary.  Thankfully none replied.

I  have also bought a new computer to upgrade my life which I am waiting to arrive - next will be a new mobile phone as this one is dying a death.  And some more short shorts.

Life is pretty close to what I have been aiming for - I am definitely achieving my goals at the moment and living the life I dreamed of (well, apart from the bit about a Spanish wife and living in Ibiza).

If I can put as much effort into losing my belly as I did into getting this career change, then I will be even happier.  But it might take quite the sacrifice.  And that will have to wait until I am past the excitement of drinking beer in the sun.

I am actually pretty happy.

Tuesday, May 02, 2017

Complaint: My Subscription To The Economist

The last of my complaints from last year that I've been meaning to put up for, oooh, weeks.  I was not amused by the price increase of my quarterly subscription and wrote to complain.

I have recently actually cancelled my subscription, due to unemployment, then two days later I was offered a job.  So I have signed up again on their 12 issues for £12 deal.  I wonder if I can do that every 12 weeks?  Hmmm.  That would be economical.

I digress, complaint incoming.


Good morning

I note with disappointment the quite significant rise in the subscription price.

I am sure that most subscribers to The Economist wouldn't have a clue how much they are paying for it, however there are a small fraction of us that are on low wages and every pricing increase is an economic decision that has to be made.

Given that I am from Hull, I appreciate that I probably am not expected to be reading anything more intellectual than the Daily Star (which is not even a good source of boobs nowadays), however something bizarre happened and I ended up semi-intelligent.

My teachers once even thought that I could be the first person from Hull to go to Oxford or Cambridge University since 1756.

I tried my hardest to be as dumb as possible - drinking every weekend by 14, in trouble with the police by the age of 13, a love of fires, vandalism and fighting lit up my teenage years (though I tended to end up on the losing side of fights).  Not to mention smoking copious amounts of weed at university and dropping out - of course, I didn't even get into Oxford Brookes, let alone proper Oxford.

Now I find myself in Bracknell, befriended by fools who actually want to leave the European Union to "get their sovrenty bakk innit".  I have the most brain-numbing repetitive office job which a robot could and probably will soon do - I have taken to writing letters of complaint on my lunchtime to test that I still have a grasp of English and can establish paragraphs without using copy and paste.

The Economist has become almost my only solace from a world of Kasdashians and ketamine.

It is very likely that I will shortly be unemployed for a spell, so I may have to heart-wrenchingly interrupt my roughly 10-year subscription to this wonderful newspaper and be left with conspiracy theory nutcases on Facebook for my only source of news.

I appreciate that you are not going to reverse your decision on the price of a subscription after reading a little self-defecating prose from a common grunt from Hull, but I do ask that you bear in mind that not everyone that subscribes to The Economist can afford a new Louis Vuitton handbag every day.

Kind regards
James Winfield

ps If you know anyone looking for a junior front-end web developer, please let me know.


Dear Mr Winfield,

Customer Reference Number:-

Thank you for contacting The Economist.

Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience caused in this matter.

We would like to inform that your subscription price is increased from £38.00 to £44.00 with your next payment due on 14th June 2016.

The price quoted is correct. The discounted rates previously available to your subscription no longer apply and currently we do not have any offer.

We would like to inform that the increase in subscription prices is not related to our new ownership structure. Our commitment to delivering high quality journalism demands a continual and significant investment.  We don’t want to compromise on our high standards so this requires us to review our pricing every two to three years, 2013 was the last time we reviewed our pricing and for customers paying the full subscription price we’ve kept the cost of their Economist subscription un-changed.

Should you require any further assistance please do not hesitate to contact us.

Kind regards

The Economist subscription centre

Sunday, April 30, 2017

Complaint: Goodbye Ocado

So last year I moved away from using Sainsbury's for a bit, as you may have seen on my earlier complaints.  And used Ocado - until they let me down.


Good afternoon

The number one priority for me on a food order, is that the chicken breasts last all week for my chicken salad. Or at least until Wednesday/Thursday of the week - my delivery date being Saturday.

It is why I dumped my true love, Sainsbury's, and started flirting with yourselves. In fact, I dipped my metaphorical willy everywhere, I even tried Asda.

So imagine my sadness when I received chicken breasts this week, with a best before date of 30th May.

And the last time I had a delivery from yourselves, the chicken just had 3 days to eat it.

I am going to have to go crawl back to Sainsbury's.

We've had some good times together, but you are not the one for me. Please can you also cancel my delivery pass. Though do keep your door open - we might have a little dalliance at some point as you do supply a wider range of fish.

All the best


Hello James,

Thank you for your email.

Oh no! Don't break my heart saying that I'm not the one. :(

I promise you that instead of crawling back to Sainsbuty's I can make your life easier and more enjoyable.

Bearing in mind that all the fresh produce I deliver never sit on my shelves as I receive them on a daily basis, from my supplier into my warehouse and straight into your fridge, I always have a product "life" on the webshop as my colleague previously mentioned which should make shopping and planning your meals easier.

Now, if you choose to give me another chance I will teach you a trick which will make our relationship a long lasting and enjoyable one. :)

Having a Smart Pass membership you should take advantage of the benefits and have 2 small orders every week to make the most of our fresh produce.

With that in mind I can offer you a 3month free trial Smart Pass and a £6.99 fee after that, but if you still think that our relationship is not worth it you can cancel the membership just before those 3 months will end.

Looking forward for hearing from you if you would like to give me another chance.

Your one and only dalliance buddy. :)

Kind regards,

Ocado Customer Service Team

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Compliment - First Great Western & My Lost Suitcase

I don't just moan.  I don't only complain.  I like to offer my thanks when I have received good service too.  And when I left my suitcase on the train the other week, I received excellent customer service from First Great Western.



This is not a complaint.  I repeat - this is not a complaint.

Having spent 17 years of my life living in Reading, First Great Western or whatever you are called now, do not tend to have the greatest (like my pun?!) reputation.

Perhaps somewhat unfairly, as I thought it was often the bottleneck at Reading station that caused a lot of problems - and given that it took 10+ years for the Labour government at the time to agree to expand and replace it, I know exactly who to blame for that.  Though I am also going to blame Brexit.

Anyway, two weeks ago, I was due to DJ in Reading.  I live in London now, and popped onto the train with my hand baggage and small suitcase, which I stowed overhead.

I sat there with my friend, having a nice beer as the houses, offices, flats, apartments, offices, Slough and occasional annoying pockets of countryside went by.  DOWN WITH THE GREEN BELT.

I got off the train at the other end, headed to the pub, whilst discussing which pub to go to, when I realised that I had left my suitcase on the train.

Bollocks!  I wasn't even drunk.  Just two pints of beer.  It wasn't like I was off my head on ketamine or anything.  Just two simple pints of beer.  And a couple of strawberries (I'm getting old and boring).

The train had long gone, on its way to Westbury (could have been worse!).  I went to the customer service desk (the ticket buying part), after a while they advised me to go to the helpdesk  at Reading station and wait.

I waited around 15-20 minutes for my Reading Station Customer Ambassador to become available - Varun was his name.

I explained my situation - my music and headphones were in my suitcase and I was due to start DJing at 10pm.  Not only that but that I am the only minimal techno DJ to ever play in Reading and that my 4 fans would be distraught if they were to go without their monthly selection of very long and exceptionally repetitive Romanian minimal techno tracks.

Varun explained that there was next to no chance that I would get my suitcase, the process was that it would remain in Westbury, and if I could not collect it within 48 hours (I think he said 48) that it would go to Bristol lost property centre.

Neither of these would be very helpful in terms of DJing, and being unemployed with a monthly income after rent of £80 (do you know anyone that needs a website building?), collecting my bag was prohibitively expensive.

He said he would see what he could do.

4 pints later, and a lot of worrying about how I was going to afford to collect my suitcase, and hell, whether I had actually lost it forever - I've already lost two pairs of expensive headphones during my DJ career (or more accurately they were stolen by chavvy scumbags), I had a call from Varun.  My suitcase was on the way back to Reading station.

So I would like to thank GWR/FGW/FDR/whoever for employing Varun and allowing him the opportunity to provide such good customer service.  Please do ensure that he receives my thank you, and if you can give him a pay-rise or a bonus, or some kind of service award for his endeavour that would be much appreciated.

I guess this exceptional service makes up for the time 6 years ago when I "accidentally" forgot to buy a ticket and got caught by your Nazi's at Reading train station, and fined £20.  I shall now no longer refer to your revenue inspectors as Nazi's.

By the way, I didn't play any minimal techno in the end, I played more of an understated underground house sound.  Something a bit like my mix here -

In summary, I know I blab on a lot:

1. Varun needs a promotion/pay rise/bonus/slap on the back.
2. I make websites and if you know anyone that needs a website please let me know.
3. I am also a minimal techno DJ - feel free to check out my mixes.
4. Your revenue folks are not really Nazi's.
5. Varun is ace.



Dear J Winfield

It’s good to know we’re getting things right

Thank you for your form, and for your lovely comments about Varun in our team at Reading.

We work really hard to make sure we give our customers great service, and we set very high standards for our teams. So your comments have made our day.

We’ll let them know what you said
We will of course let Varun know what you said – he will be really happy to hear it, and that you appreciate the effort he makes.

Thanks again for getting in touch
We’re always pleased to hear when our teams are doing us proud. We hope you’ll be just as happy with our service the next time you travel with us. Also, thank you for the interesting form.

Yours Sincerely

Customer Support Advisor

First Greater Western Limited

Thursday, April 13, 2017

My New Job: The Important Stuff

I know what you've been thinking all week - what temperature is James' new office?

Well, you will be pleased to know that it is very comfortable, albeit bordering on slightly chilly around 11:30am.

It's a very nice modern office in Moorgate, our floor has a multitude of small companies, mostly, if not all, start-ups, including ourselves.  I work for Lovespace.  You can look into them yourselves if you are interested.  It is a pretty damn useful service, if you ask me, and exciting to work for a company with so much growth potential.

But enough about the serious stuff.  Lets talk cake.  Wednesday is cake day - this week's highlight was a very nice cherry Victoria sponge cake.  A veritable Henry VIII style platter to feast on.

For Mondays we get a continental breakfast - none of this Brexit bacon bullshit.  And Fridays we get beer.  Albeit I don't think we are allowed to drink it until after our company round-up Skype call at 5pm.  But free beer is free beer, even with a time limit.

Working hours are 9-6pm.  Longer than I'm used to, especially compared to my recent spell of unemployment, though weirdly I've found myself surprisingly energetic and focused in the evenings.

Tubes aren't too bad.  I've only stood up the whole way (45 minutes) once.  I haven't decided on my strategy yet.  The semi-fast tube that goes straight to Moorgate I will never get a seat on.  The non semi-fast ones I will get a seat on, but they also mean changing at Baker Street.  Where it is not easy to even get on a tube at 08:30am.  Yes, I was late on my first day.

I might actually consider moving nearby.  I'll see how the commute goes, but if I can live say 40 minutes walk away, that would be ideal.  I'm in no rush to move house, the ballache that it can be.

Everyone I have met has been so welcoming - I don't recall working for a company where I have been made to feel so welcome.  Some really interesting characters, and a focus on comradeship/community - half the company went to Paris last weekend, albeit many of them competing in a marathon.  They haven't dared ask me to join their next marathon.

It is casual dress, as seems to be increasingly common in London.  I haven't yet got out my purple trousers or anything - though I wouldn't especially stand out, given that there is a Ricardo Villalobos lookalike that prances around in leopard print trousers, from one of the other companies.  I am so envious of his trousers.  I haven't yet worked out whether to befriend him or to make him my office enemy.

I have just sent the whole company my top 5 Ricardo Villalobos tracks.  Yep.  Apparently they were interested.  I was careful in what I chose!  Though worryingly they do seem to have a penchant for karaoke.

Yes there are more attractive women in the office than there were in the Bracknell office.  Or the whole of Bracknell.  It is London, after all.  Though for my first day I was treat to the glorious image of a the top half of a guy's arse hanging out of his trousers in the glass-fronted meeting area in front of my desk.  Thanks for that.

Importantly, there is a ping pong table.  And a two-hole putting range.

Outside the office, there is a cricket pitch.  Although the lady on reception insisted that it was a rugby pitch, it is clearly a cricket pitch.  Maybe it was rugby during the winter.  I have not yet worked out how to get there though - it might be private land as I have not seen anyone on it.

A short walk away there is a street food market, selling foods from all kinds of countries that nobody that voted Brexit has ever heard of.  Well, nobody in Bridlington has ever heard of anyway.

Of course, myself being a passionate, cosmopolitan remainer, I went for the burger van.  And a damn fine chicken burger it was - cajun chicken breast, thick bacon, proper bread roll - about the size of my head.  And the wedges were amazing.  Were I not overweight and skint, I would be there every day.

When I worked in Bracknell I had a sandwich van, a Morrison's, a gastro pub with awful food, and an awful Harvester pub with appropriate food.

This is quite the contrast.  And not just in terms of food.

So far, so very, very good.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Complaint: Tesco & Some Crap Chicken

Actually a recent complaint this one!


Dear Tesco

Gosh do I have a 1,000 character limit? Wish me luck on that.

One night recently, I was drunk. Do you have one of those annoying friends that starts every story with "I was really drunk"? I'm going to have to get to the point pretty quickly here, aren't I?

So, I was drunk. And the last two times I had been to Chicken Cottage on the way home, I ended up with 4 pieces of dry, over-cooked, miserable southern fried chicken.

Being drunk, I came up with an idea - lets go to Tesco. And I bought a pack of Shazans Peri Peri Chicken Thighs.

Yes I managed to stay awake for the 45 minutes to cook them but I wish I hadn't. It was even harder to find any chicken on the chicken thighs than it is at Nando's (I tend to pour their peri-peri sauce into my drink to get my money's worth).

This was the most horrid, stringy, underfed chicken I have had in a long time. An absolutely awful product. Erm, very bad.

(You can imagine what a nightmare Twitter is for me).

Kind regards


Hi James

Thank you very much for taking the time to e-mail us.

To be fair, that was a pretty dramatic story, I'm sorry to hear our chicken proved to be the antagonist.

I don't suppose you still have the packaging, do you? If so, we can take some information from the packaging and refer them to our suppliers. This may help them determine how to improve the product in future.

Furthemore, if you don't have the packaging then don't worry. I'd rather you concentrate on ploughing through your hangover instead of routing through your bins on our behalf.

Either way, if you'd be kind enough to reply with the details of your full postal address I'd be more than happy to send you out a £5.00 Tesco Moneycard for the inconvenience.

Thanks again, and I look forward to your reply.

Kind regards

Tesco Customer Service
Tesco Customer Engagement Centre


Ahh a fellow James!

Do you ever wonder why more footballers do not have a first name of James?  Do you think there is something about the name James that makes one inherently useless at football?

I can confirm that I am useless at football.

My address is in my signature, and my photographs of the label are attached.

Kind regards


Hi James

Thanks for your reply.

That's a massive coincidence, as I have no clue, or interest (which ultimately makes me also useless at) football.

I don't think it's a superstition you should take too seriously though. I've queried this with some of the colleagues in my office who are familiar with 'playing at ball', and they've asked me to remind you of some of the modern greats, including James Milner, James Rodriguez (AKA Hamas), and don't forget the famous Jimmy Bullard.

Also, I've now sent you out a £5.00 Tesco Moneycard for the inconvenience

Kind regards

Tesco Customer Service
Tesco Customer Engagement Centre


Hi James

Thank you for the wake-up call this morning, it was very sweet.

However having now read your e-mail, I am shocked to read that you are comparing such a nugget of disgrace that is Jimmy Bullard, with legends like James Milner.  Calling Jimmy Bullard a footballer is like calling Jimmy Savile a DJ.  He was however very good at picking up a very large weekly wage whilst injured at Hull City AFC and spending it all on cocaine and beer.  Whilst I have no problem with people spending their wages on cocaine and beer - it is not exactly as if every penny I earn is spent on avocado and charity donations, Jimmy Bullard was supposed to be representing the great football club that is Hull City AFC and supposed to be recuperating from a serious knee injury - yet he decided it was best to spend Hull City AFC's time any money sharing toilet cubicles with other men [allegedly says my lawyer].

I know that you were only trying your best, and have clearly been misled by your colleagues - your knowledge of football seems to be similar to my knowledge of pop music.

But please do understand, Jimmy Bullard is not one of us.  He is a Jimmy, like Savile, not a James.  Well, not quite like Savile, but a man...neigh...boy of disrepute.

Have a good weekend (or a good Monday)



Hi James

Thanks for your reply, sorry to wake you when I rang.

My colleague seemed horrified that you had so many negative things to say about Jimmy Bullard. I'm starting to feel like a middle man.

You're right that I have absolutely no knowledge of football, which is something I'm quite proud of!

I'm not a fan of sports in general, my passion at the moment is wrestling. Wrestling is the physical endeavour of a real man. The more spandex, the better.

Thanks again for taking the time to contact us. I also enjoyed your YouTube video about eating pancakes with gravy. I took the time to give you your second 'like', and left a comment. Now I should probably do some work.

Kind regards

Tesco Customer Service
Tesco Customer Engagement Centre