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Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Doctors

I don't go to the doctors.  I am a man.  I shouldn't need a doctor - I sometimes get ill and then my body repairs itself.  Normally I know what is wrong.  If I don't know what is wrong, I search Google, diagnose myself and move on.

The last time I went to the doctors, Tony Blair was still in charge.  The phrase 'credit crunch' still hadn't been invented and every single weekend I would go to Mango (nightclub) and there would be 30 good friends there.  Life was all about fun, credit limits were imaginary, credit cards were status symbols and there were actually hot spells in the summer months.

However I got fed up of the nagging, typed my symptoms into Google, clicked through the search results to page 22 for luck and quickly became very paranoid by the online doctor advising that I am probably having a heart attack and should pay $50,000.00 to send an air ambulance.  It is close to pay-day and the credit crunch has long since seen to my helicopter hiring abilities so I practised my foreign accent and booked an appointment with our NHS instead.

Conclusion - I have a chest infection.  Well, I could have diagnosed that but at least I have some drugs now.

I have to say the doctor was very, very good, pleasant, approachable, caring, calm and listened to me - spot on.  All the qualities you want in a doctor.  I was about to e-mail some good feedback but apparently the technological development of e-mail has not yet reached the NHS.

Possibly wise as I don't want the Chinese to hack into my secrets of health and longevity.

I am suitably impressed with my NHS experience.  I will go to the doctors again.  Not that often a young lady asks me to take my shirt off.

I feel good.  Invincibility is mine.

Friday, June 21, 2013

The Future Is Fracking. And My Future Is Fracking

I have thought long and hard about this decision since last night and have decided that I should get involved with the Fracking industry, as this should be the future of energy supplies in the UK.

Clearly I do not have a 1 kilometre long pipe, or a drill, or any suitable chemicals to pump under the ground so I am using the knowledge I do have to create a forum to discuss fracking as it is a tiny bit controversial but is the future of affordable energy in this country.

Hopefully I will create a burgeoning website/forum in time to extract the most out of this very exciting futuristic industry.

The domain has been purchased - www.frackingforum.co.uk - all I need to do now is get building the site, sort out some hosting and persuade Geoffrey Osborne (as Obama calls our Chancellor...and you thought Bush was dumb) to expand the limited fracking trial, hope a few people get upset and I will become a fracking baron.

Finally I will be rich.

I love me and I love my genius.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

My Clubbing Drought


I am officially in a severe clubbing drought.

I have only been clubbing in London twice this year.

I have only seen one DJ that I can say was outstanding, Nina Kraviz.  One of my favourite DJs was a total let-down.  No Shoreditch day-time sessions, no roadtrips for great parties in other cities and Ibiza is just an unaffordable pipe-dream, I’m as likely to go to Space as I am to…space (on Virgin Galactic).

And I have not been to fabric since November 2012.  What the fuck is that about?  My favourite dancefloor in the world, the room that I feel most at home in the world.

I have to take affirmative action to correct this nonsense.

So July 6th - fabric with Ricardo Villalobos.  And July 13th - Cocoon In The Park with Craig Richards, Richie Hawtin (albeit I think he is shit), Sven Vath and...Ricardo Villalobos.  Ticket bought, dancing partners arranged and respective Mondays booked off work.

The end of the drought is nigh.

But maybe I don’t need to go in London any more?  The club scene in Reading is expanding and there are some really good nights out now in this town of ours…dare I say it, there is a bit of excitement at last?  Good excuse to plug Ubereadoolische.  The website about the underground house scene in Reading.  Designed and updated by yours truly.

One day I will be a very rich web designer living on Ibiza.  One day…

Monday, June 10, 2013

Back To Work



My holiday is over.  I am back to work.  I arrived back to 430 e-mails in my inbox.

I feel very chilled out right now.  I feel like I have been to Jamaica.  I look like I have been to Jamaica.  Yeah man I can get that invoice to you.  Pay me whenever, Winston.

I might have 430 new e-mails but they've mostly all been resolved so I don’t have a large blunt’s worth of work to catch up with.

Yes I am feeling remarkably chilled out.

I had a very pleasant week off.  Did lots of sunbathing.  I bought a new MP3 player – a Cowon X9.  None of this Apple bullshit for me.  I spent a lot of time investigating which had the best sound quality and had a vaguely usable interface.  Not only that, it has a rubbery feel to the outside so I am unlikely to drop it on the floor 5 times a day (hence why I needed a new one).  One of the biggest annoyance of my life is now resolved.  No more MP3 player crashing  because I have stepped up a kerb meaning that I would hear awful noises like cars and shit for 3 minutes.  Oh the difficulties of modern life.

The highlight of the week was going out for one pint with my very good friend, JP.  Just the one pint as I had loads to get done on my to-do list.  I left my house at 3pm.  I was home shortly before 5am.  I walked home too, playing "guess the crack addict".  Some slightly crazed and frazzled folk wondering around.  I walked home very quickly.

Was a very fun afternoon, evening and night.

Then I went back to austerity for the weekend.  Spent more time studying Photoshop as I want to get a logo done for my website by the end of the month.  Also updated it with my interview with Pete Wheeler of Skint Monday's fame.  Oh and I actually did some blogs!

And I had two portions of gravy.  Less than a pint each time though as I am trying to lose weight.

Just in case you have a munchies now, I have enclosed a picture of a fillet steak I cooked last week.

Fillet steak (I got a small bonus in my paycheck) with Dijon mustard and pepper, brocolli with lemon and mushrooms cooked in red wine.  Very, very tasty.

So that was my holiday.  I proved that you don't need to go to Ibiza to have lots of fun, get a tan and have some crazy nights out.

How do I send this promotional blog to Reading Tourist Board?  Anyone got an address for them?

Saturday, June 08, 2013

H&M Advertisements

During winter, H&M had the following advertisements on bus shelters:


I decided to write to them...

Dear Sir

I would like to thank you very much for vastly brightening up my mornings recently.

I have been taking my usual, fairly dull walk through Reading town centre and suddenly it has become even more exciting than the minimal techno grooves from my mp3 player.

Yes, not one, not two - but three large posters featuring fantastic cleavage shots.

I cannot over-emphasise how much this puts a smile on my face in the mornings on the way to work.

If I had a girlfriend, I would be straight down to H&M to buy her one of the advertised gifts. However, as I do not have a girlfriend, I was wondering if it was possible to get one of those full-sized posters without having to steal it from a bus stop?

Yours gratefully
James

****************************

It's been a long time since a company has given me a decent response to my compliments/complaints and this was no exception (part explains the lack of blog posts)...

****************************

Dear James,

Thank you for your email.

Whilst we are very pleased to hear your enthusiasm towards our recent advertisements, we are unable to give out any of our posters or campaigns. We apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused.

If you have any further queries please do not hesitate to contact us.

We wish you a lovely day.

Kind regards,

H&M Customer Services

Friday, June 07, 2013

Mystery Box

Two blogs in one day?  Two blogs in one month is a rarity nowadays.  I hope you feel blessed.


My housemate and myself have made an important summer purchase. We have purchased a BBQ.

This means that there will be BBQs and barbeques at my house this summer.  With live DJs.


Better than DC10?

It will probably take us until around October to put it together and get around to arranging one though.

In the meantime, the observant amongst you will have noticed that I have made another important purchase to take me back to one of my more innocent childhood activities - I have bought a hosepipe thingy so I can soak the neighbour's washing.

Project Black

I took this week off on holiday with the goal of becoming the blackest person from Hull.  Not only did I think I could persuade all remaining young women yet to have fallen for my charms that I had a massive cock, I would also be able to scare all ignorant scumbags out that there I was about to rob them.

Yes the forecast, my forecast of course, was for lots of sunshine.

But yet I is still white.  A shade of pink and a shade of brown too but they will definitely still let me into the office next week.  Damn.

I had lots of other goals for this week, including doing lots of studying, updating Ubereadoolische, learning more Photoshop and doing a logo for Ubereadoolische, lots of blog posts, update my music collection, sort out my cds for next time I DJ, practice mixing - so many plans.  My to-do lists were huge.

Instead, I got drunk.

I have spent most of this week either drunk or hungover.  I say most, 70%, and that does include the weekend just gone and the most excellent boat party.

On the plus side I have bought myself a new ipod thing - a Cowon X9.  Yes I had never heard of them either but Apple products are shit, all fancy design but shit sound and I wanted the best sound for my price range.

I've only had it 2 days, I have got it out of it's box but that is all.  That is next on the million thing to-do list.

So I am a bit pissed off with myself for wasting my week off.  I really wanted to use it to see how I would do if I was working full-time on web design.  The answer is that I would do shit and become bankrupt very quickly as I have no self-discipline.

Though maybe I just needed a holiday and a rest.